Wit

[scorpio]

NOV,

Are these by George Bernard Shaw??

Have read them and laughed at, but didn't know the author so far!!

[scorpio]

Witty replies to some stupid questions

What is that thing?

Its an encoded message so that my body can always be identified.

It was an inititation ritual for the suicide cult I just joined.

I dunno, it happened when I was abducted by aliens.

Did it hurt?


Only for about the first hour, then you get so delirious you can't feel a thing!

I don't remember, I was too busy screaming.

Not as much as looking at you.

No, I was born without nerve endings.

No, did it hurt when they removed your brain?

No, actually I found it rather stimulating.

It probably hurts you more to look at it.

If it doesn't hurt, what's the point?

I don't remember, I was too busy bleeding.

Why did you do it?

I got it in prison for killing someone who asked too many questions.

If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

The witness protection program told me it would be a good idea to change my image.

If I'd known I would have to answer all these dumb questions, I might have reconsidered.

Wait a minute - I thought YOU knew!

[lordstanher]

Herez a quote I can rem. by Mark Twain:

"When you're angry, count upto four, when very angry, swear!"

[a.ratchasi]

The great poet and prophet Epimenides is said to have remarked one day that "all Cretans are liars." This seemingly innocuous suggestion opened a philosophical can of worms - for Epimenides was himself a Cretan.

Suppose that Epimenides had said instead that "Cretans always lie." If the sentence is true and everything a Cretan says is indeed a lie, then Epimenides, a habitual liar, was telling the truth. But if the sentence is in fact a lie, then Epimenides was telling the truth...

[NOV]

wow! it's one year since this thread was updated.

[NOV]

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
MARILYN MONROE

[NOV]

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

[NOV]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

[NOV]

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

-- P.J. O'Rourke

[NOV]

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."