Expecting replies from Married with Children hubbers :)

[ssanjinika]

This weekend the 6 of us (3 couples) met up for a weekend of fun and laughter.We try to do that often..atleast twice a month if not more.We all live in different cities but within driving distance from eachother. After an awesome lunch while we were wondering what to do next my friends - a couple married for 3 years suddenly said that they had an announcement to make-yep they were going to be proud parents in lil more than 7 months time. There was a min of stunned silence.Ohh they were planning on having children some time just as we were..Of course we also love kids.Love the way they look with their cute adorable smile..smile at their attempts at crawling,walking..Enjoy their mazhalai..
We are planning on having them some day...but how did they decide that the time was rite??How does anyone decide that the time is right?
After being married for over 2 years does it automatically mean that we are ready for sleepless nights and cholic,For scrapped knees and broken teeth.Please dont tell me that you will know when the time is right ...I am worried that that time might never come :? Is there any instant which makes you feel ready or will you always be worried that you wont be handle the responsibility and still go ahead and bring a scrap of humanity into this world? Hubbers with children do you have any advice for me?

[hehehewalrus]

can we merge this with the other thread started by blahblah?

[ssanjinika]

sure..if the topic is the same

[stranger]

Well, in ur friends' case, it could have been an accident. You never know. Such accidents help solving some "big problems" like for a # of " modern lucky couples" who are in a dilemma for years. Of course we all have to be "proud parents" when sharing that news to others whether we mean it or not 8) It is very difficult to answer or give a suggestion for "unknown faceless couple" by a stranger sitting in the other end without any clue or whatsoever about that paricular couple. :? However, I will try to write something sensible as u r genuinely interested in knowing. As u r in just above ur mid-twenties u r not that close to the "dead-line". Good planning is always good but the second and third phases of life are filled with very unpredictable tough lessons where planning may not help that much. You can choose your spouse carefully but u cant quite do that when it comes to your child. You just have to be optimistic and "over confident". And you just have got to learn to live with the outcome as u r fully responsible for that. It is best to just go for it when one "feels" it. You can always blame it on God if you later found "lessons" are too tough to deal with. BTW, u dont want to have teenage kids when u r retiring unless God gives u one.

[rajraj]

Of course we also love kids.Love the way they look with their cute adorable smile..smile at their attempts at crawling,walking..Enjoy their mazhalai..
We are planning on having them some day...but how did they decide that the time was rite??How does anyone decide that the time is right?


sanjinika: Cute adorable smiles, crawling, walking and mazhalai will disappear before you know it and you will have a teenager in your hands. That is when your fun starts. :)
Doctors suggest that you have a baby before you are thirty to minimize complications in pregnancy. 35 at the latest, I think. If you are planning on more than one space them apart by about two years.
A word of caution: Bringing up children in the US takes a lot of effort! :)

[Cinefan]

sanjinika,
From personal experience I&my wife never experienced the 'time has come'feeling.Both of us were dead scared of having children,more so myself.The thought of having such a huge responsibility frightened me.Just imagine how we felt when 'the accident'happened.It took us a week just to have the 'we are going to be parents'feeling sink in.I went to the extent of telling my wife to go in for an abortion :oops:

Fortunately my wife put her foot down,instilled some sense in me&we went ahead.Now we have a 1 1/2 year brat(Dictator as PP madam will say)&it's been a roller coaster ride-throughly enjoyable.

There has been so many times when I have looked at my son's face&felt very guilty that I almost did not let him come into this world.

Of course,it helps a lot to be mentally prepared to have a child,plan accordingly&have one.But if the mind is resisting the idea,then stop procastinating&go ahead.it's tough but the kind of happiness children spread is worth any pain.

Also note that this happiness is short lived&they will grow up b4 you realise,but it's still worth it. :D

[pavalamani pragasam]

Cinefan is quite right. It is worth it all. When they grow upto stand on their own legs with their own families to look after a funny feeling of vacuum comes, still the pangs are sweet! 8)

[NM]

Doctors suggest that you have a baby before you are thirty to minimize complications in pregnancy. 35 at the latest, I think. If you are planning on more than one space them apart by about two years. intha 35 age-a thaandittaa?? :cry: :cry:

[shakthi]

this is one question that me and my better half always ask each other - were we prepared when the "accident" occured? Would it have been different if we had decided to have one much much later.

I personally don't think so - I guess even if we had waited 10 years we may not have been ready! Most of our friends (all in the same age group) also agree. then again we were all almost nearing 30 when we got married so I suppose we welcomed the baby (whether ready or not or actually planned for - there is always something that you need to do (establish your career, buy a house settle down etc etc the list is endless....)

However for the younger couple - I suppose you could still wait but not too long! I would think that late 20s and early 30s is just nice to have kids - you are a more matured person (this might not apply to all though!!) and could handle things better.

Anyway now taht I have my 2 kutties - life is SO meaningful & beautiful, I couldn't imagine being without them! U will never know the feelings / emotions you go through until u have them!

As a mother I look at things in a different perspective. Most things do not matter as much as our children. End of the day it is not when you have the baby but how you have the baby brought into this world & cherish them & be able to thank God for each moment of joy they give you.

[ssanjinika]

Thank you all for the insight..I just wanted to know if a person knew when the time is right..But as Cinefan put it I guess theres no "Time is right" feeling.I think if you can manage the expense and emotionally know that you will take care of a child to your best possible ability and some then you are ready :) .I am sure that there is no greater joy in this world than bring a baby into and watch him/her grow..but the idea just takes a bit of getting used to :).

[pavalamani pragasam]

In our family the preference is to have the bundle of joy in hands on the 10th month after the wedding :D The latest is the 2nd anniversary :D The result is even in thirties we ladies maintain the charm of the twenties, mellowed & young enough to glow with confidence & achievement( the age of marriage for daughter is 21 & for the sons 25). That way we can complete our duties before retirement & have enough vigour left to run after grandchildren at the time of retirement :lol:

[dev]

In our family the preference is to have the bundle of joy in hands on the 10th month after the wedding

:shock: Better give the couple some time to understand eachother before moving on to the next stage ,parenthood... This is more so for arranged marriages... I just couldn't imagine entering parenthood ,with someone whom you don't know much about, in the 1st/2nd month of married life... :shock: :?

[rajraj]

In our family the preference is to have the bundle of joy in hands on the 10th month after the wedding

:shock: ... This is more so for arranged marriages... .. :shock: :?


Exactly! :) Arranged marriages are still predominant in Tamilnadu. All you have to do is look at the matrimonial columns in newspapers and the websites for match making! :) There is nothing to be shocked here. That is 'pp''s family. Who says you can not be conservative/orthodox? :)

[pavalamani pragasam]

There is good old wisdom beneficial to the couple on all planes in the orthodox, conservative arranged marriage system. As for knowing about the spouse it is a lifetime process :lol:

[dev]

As for knowing about the spouse it is a lifetime process Laughing

Does that mean that one can mother the child of a total stranger(the so called husband in an arranged marriage)?... :shock: most things abt arranged marriage is funny... right from the search for a partner TO someone else deciding ur partner TO the thing called first night with a stanger TO bearing a child as soon as u r married etc etc... :evil:

[pavalamani pragasam]

Certain things in life are to be experienced to be believed :lol:

[dev]

Hmmm...I never want to experience such things... I decided on my partner & I'm happy that I did it...My experience has been great so far & I firmly believe that this kind of a marriage is better than an arranged marriage...one will have to experience it to understand it... :evil: :lol:

[pavalamani pragasam]

I am too old to take that tit for tat :rotfl:

[rami]

A very good discussion...

Planning for a child basically depends on ur family and ur lifestyle. Take me for an instance. My son is 6 months old and its only 2 yrs since we married. First I was in a state of shock and it took me about two months to calm myself down.

Its 3 months since I am back to work as I have my MIL to take care of him. HAd it been years later,. it wud have been a tough decision whether to give up my career..(My mil wud have been aged and I can never leave my months old baby to a stranger or day care centre). Also since I am under 25, I didnt have much complications pre and post pregnancy.

But as said, This decision is highly dependent on each ones lifestyle.

[rami]

Does that mean that one can mother the child of a total stranger(the so called husband in an arranged marriage)?... most things abt arranged marriage is funny... right from the search for a partner TO someone else deciding ur partner TO the thing called first night with a stanger TO bearing a child as soon as u r married etc etc...

Dev Calm down Yaar...

Not all arranged marriages happen as u say...

Dont make arranged marriages look like punishments...
Modern arranged marriages happen in a different way. The couple are given time (from 8 months to 1 year) to get to know each other. After their consent only marriages take place. Look at it this way, Marrying a person whom u have got to know.. whom ur parents like. A person whose parents know u well, like u. U dont get to know just each other but even their parents and relatives.
Just because that it is a arranged marriage, the person need not be a stranger to u.

[dev]

Rami,

Agree with you... but at the time U decide ur partner,he's a stranger,right?...or r they given months time to understand eachother even before they decide on getting married(ie engagement)???!!!... I believe the 1/2 hr or the 1 hr time that's given on the first meeting will not be sufficient to understand abt a person unless U r a psychologist... when girls req long hrs to decide on just a cosmetic/dress that'll be of use for only a couple of yrs,do U think this 1 hr of meeting is sufficient for them to decide on their lifepartner???!!! :wink: :) And once parents & relatives like a proposal,there'll be a lot of indirect social pressure on the girl/boy to accept that proposal...

Anyways, I am not for arranged marriages...I believe in bringing up kids in such a way that they are matured & confident enough to decide on their life...

PP mam,if u r too old to experience it,Y don't u let ur kids / grand children experience it & you can watch them live the life they opted for...happily...

K...I'm moving away from the topic a lot... So,I'll stop here... If there needs to be further discussion abt arranged marriages vs love marriages,let's open up a new thread...:)

[rami]

Dev
As far as I know, they are given a months time before engagement to decide and 8 mnths to 1 yr after engagement.


PP mam,if u r too old to experience it,Y don't u let ur kids / grand children experience it & you can watch them live the life they opted for...happily...



She cannot let her kids... They are all married.. She can only let her grand children and it will take another 2 decades for that...

:lol:

[rami]

Sorry for deviating from the topic. A new thread can be opened If more discussion is desired, as DEV suggested.

[dev]

As far as I know, they are given a months time before engagement to decide

Hmmm...I've not seen many such happenings...If that is the case & if they r allowed to take a rational decision,I feel it's fine... :)

[scorpio]

Rami,

Thanks for puling me to this thread..pretty interesting to see different perspectives..

Dev,

As PP ma'm rightly says, understanding our spouse is a life-long process..I can never be sure that, even after completing a dozen of years in marriage, I understand my husband 100%. Look at marriage from a different perspective altogether..I agree with you that arranged marriage brings 2 strangers into wedlock & they need to understand each other first before being ready to welcome the bundle of joy.. But, it is a fact that entering into parenthood a little early, that too, unplanned really, brings about such a bond between the so-called strangers... The spouses are so thrilled & feel much related to each other in going thru' the process of welcoming a 'new one' & this gives them an opportunity to turn a deaf ear to whatever negative points they tend to discover about each other, now that they spend their life together.. This is one of the reasons why arranged marriages fail lesser in Tamil Nadu & absolutely, this is fine and not a cause of concern or embarassment..

[pavalamani pragasam]

[tscii:5ac6416bfa]While scientists today are toying with relish with genetic engineering in the fields of botany, zoology & physiology I wonder if some silent mutation is taking place in the thinking faculty of today’s youth. :shock: First detachment from parents, next reluctance about motherhood & dread about parenthood which are against nature, natural instincts of human beings. :x Quite content to conclude with the cocoon stage, wrapped in a supreme preoccupation with self, unwilling to culminate into the colourful splendour of the winged wonder :shock: [/tscii:5ac6416bfa]

[dev]

True that the understanding process takes a lifetime & even then U wouldn't have understood him 100%...:)


it is a fact that entering into parenthood a little early, that too, unplanned really, brings about such a bond between the so-called strangers...

Might be...But I am not able to accept it Scorpio...unless otherwise it's an 'accident'...
I know that there r ppl very happy with such marriages & early parenthood... But my views differ & I wouldn't have been able to accept such things had it happened to me... Now that I have decided on my life,I'm living it happily...That doesn't mean that my kind of lifestyle is the best for everyone...In my view ,my decision is right... :)

[pavalamani pragasam]

Thanx, Scorpio :D Stunning clarity of thought & expression :D

[scorpio]

Dev,

The reason for me not having posted anything at all in this thread was for the sole reason that I had 2 'accidents' & felt myself disqualified from advising anybody else how to plan for the better. I am quite happy & contended with my accidents and it was a result of the first accident that many small differences betwen me & my spouse were ironed out without much effort & we adjusted ourselves into each other's wave length. Very young, immatured & egoistic both of us were and only when it dawned on us within 2 months of marriage that we must get prepared for harmony & accept a new thing coming in, that our process of understanding & living for each other rocketed at a high speed..

I allow you to carry on yr perspective on life too rightfully, no probs..

PP ma'm - Thanks.. one of the very few subjects where we both meet eye to eye, I suppose :wink:

[pavalamani pragasam]

:smile2:

[dev]

Scorpio,

It's interesting to note that an accident prevented many incidents in ur life... :wink: :lol:

[scorpio]

Scorpio,

It's interesting to note that an accident prevented many incidents in ur life... :wink:


:rotfl:

[rami]

Read somewhere... thought of posting it here..

"Children in backseats cause accidents" and vice versa

[dev]

:lol:

[Cinefan]

Looks like most hubbers here(including myself)have had 'accidents' :D

Were these 'accidents'planned by any chance :lol:

[ssanjinika]

[tscii:a036a16624]reluctance about motherhood & dread about parenthood which are against nature, natural instincts of human beings. :x [/tscii:a036a16624]

:lol:
Yup there is a lot of dread about parenthood..but PP mam its more like the dread before facing an important exam or interview.Imagine going in for an exam without preparing even a little bit..that muliplied by a 1000 is how I would feel if I had an "accident".You have prepared ok ...and still feel butterflies in your stomach..well thats similar to planning a baby.I guess its "the fear of the unknown" as a poet(forgot the name) put it in the poem "Night and Death".
If we had had a baby imm after marriage where would we as husband and wife had the time to understand and fall in love with eachother all over again?Going out with someone and living with someone is totally different. Issues being solved by a baby is one way things happening...but what if a baby drives a couple further apart?(we've all read about things like that rite).IMHO the bond between a husband and wife should be really strong before a baby comes into the picture and for that bond to strengthen it takes time.

[Anoushka]

I am married with no children - that doesn't qualify me to comment here but I thought I would add my two cents worth :)

I got married only six months ago and decided that we will not think about a child till early next year, unless and until it is an accident ofcourse!

The reasons were many - We thought both of us had to be prepared for the child and we gave ourselves a deadline, that way there is no escaping it!

We baby sit our friend's little boy and we are constantly learning.... No two children are alike but atleast I know now that I won't throw everything and run away if the child cries nonstop for two hours!!! :lol:

It is going to be difficult for me without my parents or in-laws to take care of my child (Here they only give people 3 month visas at a time and it is difficult to extend it!) But I am sure I will find a way out.

Also slowly I've managed to find a project where I can work from home. Again this project is not going to last forever but hopefully I can ask them to consider the option of working from home as I have proved to them once that I can do it without any problem!

I think, if you are scared, the best way to handle this is to face it head on. Sit down and list out your fears, try to tackle them one at a time.

Don't make any open ended decisions like we will have a baby when we will be better off financially - Put a definite measurable constraint to it - say when we buy a house instead!

As they say, tomorrow never comes! Instead of saying tomorrow say tomorrow the 03rd Aug 2005 (for e.g.), that puts a definite timeline!

If you think handling a baby is a problem, try spending time with friends that have babies, offer to feed the baby or change nappies or putting the baby to sleep. Don't take too much at a time! One of my friends had never lifted a baby till she had her own baby and she was fine! The odd time she used to call me in the middle of the night going "My baby is not...... what do I do?" but other than that she is enjoying her life now! The baby will be two next week and she has gone back to college after the baby!

Try travelling with friends that have children, you will notice that most of them don't have a problem or don't consider children an extra responsibility! Last month my friend from Canada flew to London on the way to India with a five and a half month old baby and another four year old child! No problems zipping around London for three days in public transport with two kids except for a little break here and there for feeding or nappy changing!

Once you have prepared yourself mentally this way, I am sure you will be ready for the baby when it comes.

[Anoushka]

[tscii:b0461a9f10]reluctance about motherhood & dread about parenthood which are against nature, natural instincts of human beings. :x [/tscii:b0461a9f10]

:lol:
Yup there is a lot of dread about parenthood..but PP mam its more like the dread before facing an important exam or interview.Imagine going in for an exam without preparing even a little bit..that muliplied by a 1000 is how I would feel if I had an "accident".You have prepared ok ...and still feel butterflies in your stomach..well thats similar to planning a baby.I guess its "the fear of the unknown" as a poet(forgot the name) put it in the poem "Night and Death".
If we had had a baby imm after marriage where would we as husband and wife had the time to understand and fall in love with eachother all over again?Going out with someone and living with someone is totally different. Issues being solved by a baby is one way things happening...but what if a baby drives a couple further apart?(we've all read about things like that rite).IMHO the bond between a husband and wife should be really strong before a baby comes into the picture and for that bond to strengthen it takes time.

I agree with you on that one ssanjinika, I've always felt that the husband and wife should have some sort of bonding before bringing another life to earth! What is the point in having a child for the sake of having one?

[stranger]

Hmmm...I never want to experience such things.

Of course, it is YOUR LIFE. You can live the way you wish to live.



I decided on my partner & I'm happy that I did it

We are all HAPPY for YOU! :)


My experience has been great so far & I firmly believe that this kind of a marriage is better than an arranged marriage

I dont believe your belief is quite correct.


one will have to experience it to understand it

It takes few minutes for some to understand a "stranger" but for some others a "life-time" is not enough . All kind of people to make the world- they say 8)

[dev]

My experience has been great so far & I firmly believe that this kind of a marriage is better than an arranged marriage

I dont believe your belief is quite correct.


:) ... I live as per what I believe is right... Beliefs might change as time goes by... but as of now,I believe this is right...& if U feel it isn't right,U can put forth your views here & I'll be happy to see different point of views...

[tomato]

Interesting discussions and points of veiw.
Would like to add a few points myself.

Most of us depend on our mothers or mothers-in-law for the post delivery care as well as the infant's care at least for the first two months. So when we dalay or plan for a family the one imp thing to be considered is the caregiver's(mom or MIL) age and health condition. It would be very selfish to go on delaying having children to fit 'our' shedule and lifestlye and inspite of it ask our aging parents to help us out during the delivery and post natal care.

I more thing I want to point out is that having a baby is not an overnight thing. U have 9 looong months to prepare u mentally, physically, emotionally and what not. And trust me these 9 months will surely bring the couple closer than before.

[pavalamani pragasam]

You have spoken very very sensibly, tomato :D

[stranger]

dev:

I can show u a million examples where the so called love-marriage ended up in a fiasco.

How do you define a love marriage?

That term is one which has been "misused" extensively by various indiviaduals. According to you, WHAT is that??? How would you understand your partner exactly? When do u exactly learn she is not a stranger anymore?? What if your partner's view of life changes completley after 10 years??? How would you prepare to face that?? It is a never-ending discussion for sure.

Anyway, What difference it is going to make to you if you hear my views? I want you to believe what you beleive in and let others believe what they believe in. Live and let them live! After all what matters is what one believes in. 8)

[ssanjinika]

I can show u a million examples where the so called love-marriage ended up in a fiasco.


//Digression//

Thats sooooooo true..You see so many marriages breaking.I guess marriage is a gamble is apt for the marriages of these days.Wonder what we are doing wrong :? .After 50 years of marriage my patti and thatha are still as loving to each other as my first memories of them

//End Digression//

[hehehewalrus]

reminded of a lecture in 1st year engg:

"all accidents are incidents. but all incidents are not accidents"

the prof allowed his love of rhymes to interfere with sensible teaching.

[dev]

What if your partner's view of life changes completley after 10 years??? How would you prepare to face that?? It is a never-ending discussion for sure.

:)... Just because future is uncertain,I wouldn't like to take an uninformed decision at this point in time... I agree that u get some info in arranged marriages too but the kind of info gathered is diff from what we get in a relationship that is developed solely by our effort...Only when one take pains to develop a r'ship,one'll know how valuble that r'ship is & I believe that kind of a r'ship will be & should be cherished forever...& I believe this is one reason why we r closer to our friends than our taken for granted r'ship with relatives...


Anyway, What difference it is going to make to you if you hear my views? I want you to believe what you beleive in and let others believe what they believe in. Live and let them live!

:huh: Since U've not shared any of ur views here,God only knows if ur views will make any difference in me... Ok, I've already eaten up 2 pages of this thread for this digression... guess we can finsh off this discussion here & move back to the original topic ... If anyone wants to discuss abt it further, pls open a new thread...:wave:

[Raghu]

Devuda

enpa pm check panna neram illaiya :twisted: :(

[dev]

Raghuji,

I thought U were busy...

[a.ratchasi]

Raghu, where's your simmi?
By the way, is she from Leichester?

[Shekhar]

guess we can finsh off this discussion here & move back to the original topic ...

Hmm, what is the topic? .. replies from married with children hubbers?!

I would rather be not married with children hubber!! :lol: :lol: (Doesn't it say a lot?!! :wink: )

Got married at 22, "blessed" with son at 23!! No contact with family. Lost my youth. Lost sleep for a year waking up every night to feed and chage nappies! :) (Thanks to my great son 'understanding' wife!! :D :D )
Knowing when to decide to have a baby?!! Let me tell you, there is nothing like knowing, because you never know what is, what you will gain and what you will lose. Those who 'decide' base their decision purely on practical convenience.
Either you are fit to rear a baby or you are not. If you are, you are always; if you are not, you are never!
But one innocent smile of the baby, an unrestrained laughter of the child more than compensate many folds all the ordeal you go through. But you should go through to get there. When.. is immaterial...

[nirosha sen]

Dang, I hate to be the one to pour the odd dash of cold water, Pa!! But, honesty is best, I reckon!! :(

The very notion of having kids was not something I had wanted to face the reality of, for many years!! Guess, I just wanted to cross that bridge when I came to it. So finally, despite the many hints and outright, outrageous questions, I finally conceded!

I hated my pregnancies!! Why???? I was sick the whole time, that's why!! You get a forever opened oesaphagus that's all too ready to spill it's contents, even if it's just a spoonful of water!! You are dehydrated and yes, hopelessly, constipated too!! Oh, let's not forget the nausea, ad nauseaum of course!! From your every waking moment to exhausted slumber, you are perenially plagued with only thoughts of the bilious kind!! :(

Yes, kids are ever so cute, when they are babies!! :D What rays of sunshine they are!! But wait till they hit pre-pubscence and it's another story and another stranger you live with , I might add!!

Okay, am stopping here before I reach for another valium Pa!! :?

[stranger]

But wait till they hit pre-pubscence and it's another story and another stranger you live with , I might add!!

Okay, am stopping here before I reach for another valium Pa!! :?

I dont know what you exactly mean here-ppA :lol:

But, strangers can get to you through yourselves too. Here is a dad who needs a valium! :)

"poovaaga vaiththirunthEn en manamenbathu
athil poonaagam pugunthu koNdu uRavenRathu"