u did complete it :cool:
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u did complete it :cool:
ha atlast :cool2:
wow it happened all so fast...um sorry Surya don't get mad...was the iraqi wall clock what he used to smash his opponent??? :?
Hmm, it was only now that I read the entire story at one shot! Took me a fair amount of time and I must say I am impressed. :)
The style was professional, the humour was just right, sardonic and used just where you least expected it - at least to begin with. Lucky the story ended before it became too predictable.
Character building is never a major element in a short story, but one could follow Pain and Tyner easy enough.
Interest was sustained almost throughout. One wanted to read on, till the girl is found. After that, it sort of lost momentum, and became just routine.
I echo Q's comment on the whole wallclock thing! So, what happened with the wallclock?
There are a few rough edges, like where you labour the obvious - things like "his hands filled with red fluid" or something like that. Red fluid???
The end was a bit stereotyped and rushed - the hero's loyal friend falls, hero goes berserk and wins the day, only to wake up in the hospital with glad tidings of his friend's recovery. Too cliche, if you will forgive me for saying so.
Bringing back those intro lines to finish the story was masterly, especially the way the last bit was constructed. Quoting it here for the sheer pleasure of it
Some more bits that I really likedQuote:
Being a Private Investigator is a lot of work. I rested my head on the wall behind the chair I was sitting. Espicially if you're the best in the business. I closed my eyes and waited for James Pain....
a) Maybe I was wearing a Santa hat....
b) Maybe he nodded (with ref to the Mayor on the phone)
c) But I was Chicago Tyner. World’s best detective. Not the best secret agent. They take different courses in College
d) Those bits about Mobster Academy lessons interspersed with action were really masterly too
Overall, :thumbsup: Excellent narration. Sandpaper those rough edges out and you can actually consider this for publishing.
That and do something about the title!
:ty: Wibha, Crazy, Q and Badri! :D :D :D
I can't belive I didn't mention that it was the clock! :banghead: :banghead: Srry abt that guys! :oops: It's fixed now, along with some other stuff which needed to be fixed..:P
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wow it happened all so fast...
I wanted to make it really fast paced towards the end, but did it go fast as in a gud thing or fast like what happened in Blade's Climax? :P
Yeah...I've had second thoughts abt the title too...I didn't know what to name it first because I didn't even have an actual proper plot....and the Iraq war was a big issue going on CNN @ that time, so I decided on somethin iraqi, and made the charecter a gulf war vet....Quote:
That and do something about the title!
Anyone have any suggesttions now that the story is done and everyone know the key stuff that happens? :)
surya it wud help if u summerised the story :tongueout:
errrr was blade climax bad? i didn't watch....
anyways your ending was fast = thrillling!!! 8-) 8-) 8-)
well your title wasn't bad but that's how our minds work we wait to see where this "title" part is picked out why it has become the title what are we supposed to know...is it even a comparison to the time spent in Iraq...etc. :huh:
I think you could rename it alot of things...but i'll leave that up to the author...it's your work you deserve to name it! :D
why not call it's "Tyner's Pain" :rotfl: ok ok sorry great job just couldn't resist :mrgreen:
I quite like the title The Iraqi Wall Clock! :) Has quite a nice ring to it!
If only it had a real subtle role to play...
Bashing the head of the villain with it doesnt quite qualify it to be the title of the story! :roll:
But hey, that is just my opinion :)
*digression*
don't you love it when it's your opinion but it's the right one :D
heheh! :wink:Quote:
Originally Posted by Querida