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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
I was chatting with this person who was blabbering all about herself, her hobbies, her likes/dislikes, her pets, her parents, her work, her car, her hairstyle, her make-up and on and on.
Finally she said, "Ok, enough of me."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
And then she said, "Tell me.... what do you like about me."
Twenty men die and go to heaven.
When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.
After the men separate, one of the angels notices that there are 19 men in the first line and only one in the second. The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.
"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: Father, I am 60 years old. I have been married for 35 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with a 22 year old.
Father: When was the last time you made a confession?
Man: I never have, I am Hindu.
Father: Then why are telling me all this?
Man: I am telling everybody
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
At the criminal court, the public prosecutor was cross-examining the recently bereaved widow.
"What happened when your husband woke up that fateful morning?"
"He said: Where am I Radha?"
"And why did that upset you?"
"Because my name is Priya."
As tourists in Dubai, a man and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab approached them and asked where they were from.
"Malaysia," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She cannot be from Malaysia."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She is not for sale."
After the Arab left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels on board Air Asia."
Kumar stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."
Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
A few days ago I was walking through Chinatown. I was fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. Then I turned a corner and saw a building with a sign "Muthu Karuppusami Coffee Shop".
Muthu Karuppusami ? I was wondering how in the world it fit in there? So, I walked into the shop and saw an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. I asked him "How in the world did this place get a name like Muthu Karuppusami Coffee Shop?".
The old man answered "Is name of owner."
I asked "Well, who in the heck is the owner?".
"I am he", answered the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Muthu Karuppusami?"
The old man replied, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at the Immigration. The man in front of me was an Indian. The immigration lady looked at him and asked him "What is your name? He replied Muthu Karuppusami.
Next she looked at me and asked, "What is your name?"
I replied. "Sam Ting"