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Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child.
So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble."
The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads: I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else....
She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother.
The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
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Parents to a college watchman: Is this college good...?'
Watchman: Probably the best because I did my graduation here & got immediate placement..
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As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human genepool.
And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll...
JohnPernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal--to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Hollybushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
To make matters worse, his pocketknife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse.
In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
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A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"? (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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While visiting my son's school, the Chairman of the Parents Teachers Association became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”
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While visiting my son's school, the Chairman of the Parents Teachers Association became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
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I met an old friend after a long time. After getting updated about each other, he claimed that he had the most perfect son....
I: Does he smoke?
He: No, he doesn’t.
I: Does he drink?
He: No, he doesn’t.
I: Does he ever come home late?
He: No, he doesn’t.
I: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
He: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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A few of us entered the lift and there was this woman who pressed 1 and 4 but did not get off either floor. When asked, she said she wanted to go to the 14th floor.
:sigh2:
Today a friend called and asked me for my telephone number.
:sigh2:
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Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”
Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg…”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
