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A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook!!
A man calls 911
Man: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Man: The ugly one is winning.
Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
Met an old friend after a long time and asked him, "so, who are you working for now?"
"The same people," he answered, "for my wife and two kids."
I am washing car
Neighbor: You washing your car?
Me: No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
On vacation my nine-year-old son and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that my son kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.
When they got up to leave, my son watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"
I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this more interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.