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Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
A father of a teenage daughter was annoyed as his daughter was spending all the time on the house phone, depriving the other family members from using the phone. So, he had a new telephone line installed just for her.
Two days later, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch, chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using the family telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
A teenagers' Facebook update:
"Internet was not working last night, spent time with family....they seem to be nice people..
Once a woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
Two men went to a pub and after ordering two beers, took some samosas out of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can’t eat your own samosas in here," complained the pub owner.
So the two men swapped their samosas.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV.
The saleswoman runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.