Employee: Boss, Now I have got a baby, please increase my salary.
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!
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Employee: Boss, Now I have got a baby, please increase my salary.
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!
At the beginning of married life, every woman treats her husband as GOD.
Later on somehow the letters get reversed..!
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer."
That is why so many of us are speechless when lecturers ask us questions.
Guy: Do you have any cards with sentimental love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure. How about this card; it says "To the only girl I love."
Guy: That's sounds good. Give me 12 of them.
After reading the form filled by an applicant, the employer said: " WE do have an opening for you. Its called the "door!"
A signboard in front of an IT company says:
Drive Slowly, don't kill our employees. Leave them to us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
:rotfl:
NOV did u realize you've been posting the SAME JOKES over and over and over :? :?
i'm sure ur running outta them
That's not funny! That's just plain sad. :xQuote:
Most Relationships fail not because of absence of love.
Love is always present.. Its just that, one loves too much and and the other loves too many.
Here's some NEW :P jokes...which we seem to be missing these days!
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."
"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno
"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman
"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno
"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel
some thing is "new" if we have not heard before. :poke:Quote:
Originally Posted by Querida
your redneck joke was formerly islamic militant joke. :sigh2:
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or vodka, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service .
interesting, funny and sadQuote:
Originally Posted by Querida
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, ' What is it? '
The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
Moral of the story: Husbands always respect the rule of law.
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open
heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery
to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could
help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
:lol:
:lol:
This is a OLD joke :oops:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Querida
:rotfl2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Querida
Well i certainly cannot speak for everyone :roll: so then post what is not AN old joke :poke:Quote:
Originally Posted by ajithfederer
************************************************** ***
Two foolish carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second carpenter got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
************************************************** **
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and exclaimed, "Those little buggers!"
************************************************** *
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
To: Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
John Hillary (HR Manager)
Are you a true Tamilian?
You are a true Tamilian only if:
1. You arrive one hour late to a party and find out you are the first one to arrive.
2. You wear a suit to a wedding… and you are only 3 years old.
3. The wedding takes an hour and the group pictures take five hours.
4. Your mom and sister together own more jewellery than a Chinese jewellery store.
5. Your parents’ idea of a vacation is to visit the temples in India .
6. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.
7. The minute your guests leave the house, your parents start talking about them.
8. You are somehow related to every new friend you meet.
9. Your remote control is still in its plastic packet.
10. You get a 95% on an exam and your parents ask "What happened to the other 5%?!"
11. You stare at Tamil people when they walk by.
12. You see married couples kissing on TV but have never your parents within 3 feet of each another.
13. Your mother has a minor dispute with her sister-in law and doesn’t talk to her for 10 years.
14. You go to a party and your aunt comments on how your skin colour has changed.
15. You watch your cousin's wedding tape and all the songs from Roja are dubbed into it.
16. When the teacher took attendance and there was a sudden pause, you put your hand up and said ‘here.’
17. You shortened your name to make it sound Anglo-Indian.
18. Your aunties tease you about a particularly eligible cousin… and you like it!!!
19. You serve all your guests tea with milk and 5 spoons of sugar.
20. You only stop putting more rice on your guests dinner plate 7 times after they tell you to stop.
21. Anytime you speak back to your parents, you get: "I toiled my life for you, and this is how you repay me?!"
- "Naanga ippadi khasta pattathukku nee ithuvum solluvae ithukku melayum solluvae!"
22. If you are a girl, you are expected to come home before dark - however if it’s a son, "Seri raja, jaakirathaiya poitu vaa…’
23. Halfway through your shower you realize that your Head and Shoulders shampoo is gone and has been replaced by Siyakkai shampoo
24. You walk in to another Tamil family’s house and they have the same furniture and dining set as yours.
Last but not least
25. You are a true Tamilian if you forward this mail to another Tamilian.
:rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by podalangai
:lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by podalangai
A new client meets a famous lawyer.
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.
Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?
Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Banta says I love you to his girl friend and then suddenly falls on the floor.
Girl Friend: What is this?
Banta: Oh ji, I'm falling in love!
:lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
:rotfl:
:lol:
Patient to his psychiatrist: Doctor, I can't remember anything! I forgot what happened yesterday. I forgot what my car looks like. I can't even remember my own name.
Psychiatrist: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
************************************************** ***
A man and his wife were having difficulties with their memory. A relative gave them the name of a doctor who was reputed to have great success in helping people with memory problems. They decided to go. A few weeks later they were chatting with a friend about this, and told him it was working.
The man said he was having problems with his memory also, and asked for the name of the doctor.
The husband said, "You'll have to help me here a little with my memory technique. Uh, let's see, a flower, long stem, uh, thorns....."
"Rose," the man guessed.
"That's it," the husband said, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that doctor?"
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... On a Saturday morning... after breakfast...
Dad: People this is unacceptable.You have to limit the use of the phone.I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here,I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too,I never use the home phone.I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So - what is the problem?We all use our work telephones !!!!!
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."