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A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
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The teacher asked her kindergarten student if he knew how to count her numbers.
"Yes," the kid replied."I learnt from watching my dad at home," The teacher was a bit puzzled."What comes after three?" the teacher asked.
"Four," the kid answered confidently.
"What comes after seven?"
Eight."
"Very good," the teacher said. "Your dad must have an effective method. Now tell me what comes after ten?"
The little kid said excitedly, "A Jack!"
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Shanti?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Devi!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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At a college reunion dinner three close friends met after a long time. They were professionals - a doctor, accountant and a lawyer. While talking about their successful lives the accountant took the opportunity to ask his friend for a medical advise.
The doctor examined him there itself and prescribed medicine telling him how to take it and certain exercises. He assured him that he will be better after taking the medicine as well as following his advice and that it will not recur.
The accountant left the both and the doctor now turned to his lawyer friend and lamented that the accountant friend is very rich but he still sought a free medical consultation. He asked the lawyer friend whether he ought to send him a bill for this medical consultation to which the lawyer replied that he should since professions and friendship are separate. So, the doctor posted his bill for consultation amounting to $200.00.
The following day the doctor received a bill from his lawyer friend amounting to $400.00 being legal consultations!
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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
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A man was staggering down the street and stopped by a policeman who asked, "Just where are you going at 1:30 in the morning?"
The man said, "To an alcohol lecture."
The cop asked, "At this hour? Where is it and who is giving it?"
The man said, "It's at my house, and my wife is giving it."
