What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
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What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
A hen lays an egg at the Pak-Ind border.
An Indian and A Pakistan fight for the egg and come to a deal. Indian says whoever kisses more women in the other country wins the egg. Pakistani agrees.
Indians went to Pak and kissed 10000 girls. Pakistanis were excited and said "It's our turn". Now indian said "keep the egg with you"
:lol: :lol: :rotfl:
Old one but nevertheless :rotfl2: and useful :lol2:Quote:
12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
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2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.
When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.
See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
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3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."
When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
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4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
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5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
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6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
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7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
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8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
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9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
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10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
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11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
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12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.
If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers) .
If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
A serious joke... :roll:
Woody Allen in Love & Death.
" To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope your'e getting this down..."
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
:lol: .. neththiyadi...
Two men were walking down the street when one spotted six men punching his mom-in-law.
'Aren't you going to help?' asked his friend.
'No, six should be enough,' he replied
Urgent vacancy for the post of Girl Friend !!
Quote:
Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.
Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)
Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.
Age : 18-26 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexion no bar, but is subjective.
Perks and incentives:
Total gross ( Monthly ) :
· 2 gifts worth not exceeding RM 2000/-(no precious metals, stones)
· bike rides each duration 1 hour
· trips to Beautiful and QUIET Locations
· 5 Trips to London / Paris
· Langkawi / Tioman at a regular gap of 5 days
· Daily Provision of KFC/Mee Mamak/Mac Burger/Roti Canai/Nasi Lemak/StarBuck Coffee worth RM10 /-
· 4 movies (Family movies only) per month (on weekends)
· Visits to Shopping Malls and Jewelry Shops every Weekend (At your own expense)
A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.
Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining
The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)
Plz NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.
There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral. Program by referring their friend, colleagues etc.
Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search, never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with
Subject:
Name/fresher- exp/age.
Photo must be in attachment. to the email address via mail
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
The Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade esecially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. Still working on that makeup! As a man, I don’t scare easily, but she scared me so much
I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
Out of my hand
In all the confusion of trying to straighten the car
Using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
My cell phone away from my ear
This fell into the coffee
Between my legs
And I got burned
Splashed,
And burned me,
Ruined the darn phone
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call!
Stupid women drivers!!!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?
If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is Struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his or her own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ... one button at a time. No one moves. ...
He removes his shirt. ... Muscles ripple across his chest. ... She gasps....He whispers..."Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
Some truths about life that children have learned
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
You can't trust dogs to watch your food
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap
Some truths about life that adults have learned
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
Wrinkles don't hurt
Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Truths about life about growing old
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Mayawati got Amul Milk modelling assignment, so she posed with buffaloes. Newspapers published the pictures with caption - " Mayawati, 3rd from left".
A modern day Birbal ki kahani...
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile. A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.
When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'
He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'
The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'
The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by ksen
Investigating a terrible accident
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Thanx for cleaning up that joke directhit :P
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Milly! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Milly turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Life after death :
BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?
EMPLOYEE : "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS : "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you!
Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Louis XV meet up in the astral plane for a chat.
All being great military leaders in their day, they decided to visit earth to see how war has changed.
They are just amazed by the modern battlefield in Iraq.
"If I had had just a few of these tanks," says Alexander the Great, "I could have conqured all of India!"
"Incredible!", says Louis XV, "and if I had had just a few of these airplanes, I could have finished the Seven Years War in just weeks!"
"Amazing!", says Napoleon, "and if I had had FoxNews nobody would have ever heard about my defeat in Russia!"
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Hmmm nice move switching genders at punchline...that's right...:P
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Mr.Ivanov, a Russian engineer is caught on the streets by the KGB, brought with a black car to the secret headquarters for interrogation...
KGB agents: "Where do you live?"
Mr.Ivanov: "I live on Stalin Street, number 9"
After a few hours he gets beaten up and asked again...
KGB agents: "Where do you live?"
Mr.Ivanov: "I told you, I live at Stalin Street number 9"
He gets beaten up, tortured and thrown into a chamber...
The next day he gets asked again, then beaten up again and so on...
After a week of beating and torturing, the KGB agents think he's crazy and let him go home...
When Mr.Ivanov arrives to his building, his neighbour, and old lady whispers to him: "Psst! Mr.Ivanov! There were a couple of agents here, several times this week, they were asking whether you lived here. But don't worry Mr.Ivanov, I told them I never heard about you!"
:lol:
Wacky Greeting Cards For Unloved Ones!
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you ????"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Forward this to every one you can remember
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"