A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

A woman visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.

Friend says 'Chin Yu Yan' and dies.

Woman goes to China to find meaning of friend's last words.

It is 'You are standing on the oxygen tube!'

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Querida

it's sad when you change jokes just to include women :roll: :sigh2:

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if this is the punchline, where is the joke? :huh:

p/s: Que, where did you disappear for so long :evil:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NOV

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Querida

it's sad when you change jokes just to include women :roll: :sigh2:

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if this is the punchline, where is the joke? :huh:

p/s: Que, where did you disappear for so long :evil:

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the joke is the length that you go to :P

p/s: i told you before i went on hiatus! :roll:

Tamilnadu's funny state :lol:

1 Rose costs Rs. 2.50 :shock:
1 Kg rice costs Re. 1 :cool:

Enna Koduma CM idhu :huh:

--
By,

Girlfriend-ku Rose kodukkama 1 KG rice koduppor Sangam :rotfl:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by viraajan

Girlfriend-ku Rose kodukkama 1 KG rice koduppor Sangam :rotfl:

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:lol2:

Unga sangathukaaga, TN govt going to announce a scheme of selling rose (flower :lol2: ) for 10 paisa in ration shops :clap:

Three engineers in a car


There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer
and a Software engineer expert on Microsoft Technologies. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and
the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying
to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much
about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere.
Then, the engineer expert on Microsoft technologies , not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion,
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again,
and maybe it'll work ?"

Six things boys do in an Exam Hall.

1. Counting the no. of girls.
2. Asking for water to drink or asking for a break.
3. Seeing through windows who is passing out the exam hall.
4. Seeing the brand name of the pen.
5. Feeling for wasting the last night by studying.
6. Think to study well atleast for next exam.

Six things that girls do in Exam hall. (Even if they know or they dont know).

1. Write...
2. Write...
3. Write...
4. Write...
5. Write...
6. Write...

:rotfl:

New Exam pattern in India(Revised):
1. General students - Answer ALL questions.

2. OBC - WRITE ANY one question.

3. SC - ONLY READ questions.
4. ST - THANKS FOR COMING..

AND

5. Gujjars/Jats - THANKS FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO ATTEND THE EXAMINATION .. !!

CHEERS TO RESERVATION

From sachin orkut community

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his
operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

:rotfl:

http://www.orkut.com/Main#CommMsgs.a...91185210994894
sach orkut community again

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when
company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest
came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was
missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's
place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he
always eats like a horse!"

A little girl asked her mother:

"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied: "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked: "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

One evening, a four-year-old child came in while his mom was setting the
table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His
mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's
interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and
add 'es'."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NOV

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.

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:lol: good collection ( for once no women-bashing, innikku target engineersaa? :lol2: )

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NOV

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

---

:lol: This one's good! :lol2:

டாக்டர் என் மனைவி ஓவரா டி.வி. பாக்குறா”
எந்த அளவுக்கு பாக்குறாங்க?
”கரண்ட் கட்டானாலும், டார்ச் அடிச்சி பாக்குற அளவுக்கு!!!

சார், டீ மாஸ்டர்டீ போடறாரு,
பரோட்டா மாஸ்டர்பரோட்டா போடறாரு,
மேக்ஸ் மாஸ்டர்மேக்ஸ் போடறாரு,
நீங்க ஹெட்மாஸ்டர் தானேஏன் மண்டய போட மாட்டேங்கிறீங்க?…

என்னதான் கிளி கீ..கீ.. என்று கத்தினாலும்,அதால ஒரு லாக்கை கூட ஒப்பன் பண்ண முடியாது.

ஒரு சீனா நாட்டு தம்பதிக்கு முதல் குழந்தை,அவங்களை மாதிரியே நல்லா சிகப்பாபிறந்தது. அதுக்கு ”சிங்- சாங்-பங்” குன்னு பேர் வச்சாங்க. இரண்டவதுகுழந்தையும் கொளுகொளுன்னு சிகப்பா பிறந்தது. அதுக்கு ”ரீங்- சாங்-சிங்”குன்னு பேர் வச்சாங்க. ஆனா… மூணாவதா பிறந்த குழந்தை, நீக்ரோ மாதிரிகறுப்பா பிறந்தது. அதுக்கு என்ன பேர் வச்சிருப்பாங்க? ”தெரியலையே””சம்- திங்-ராங்”குன்னு.

”நம்ம பையன் எங்க பணம் வைத்தாலும் எடுத்திட்டு போயிடறாங்க”
”அவனுடைய காலேஜ் புத்தகத்தில் வை…. பத்திரமா இருக்கும்” ஒரு காப்பி எவ்வளவு சார் ?5 ரூபாய்.எதிர்த்த கடையில 50 காசுன்னு எழுதியிருக்கே ?டேய். சாவுகிராக்கி அது XEROX காப்பிடா!

நீங்க உடனடியா மீன், ஆடு, கோழி சாப்பிடுவதை நிறுத்த வேண்டும்.
அதுக சாப்பிடுவதை நான் எப்படி நிறுத்த முடியும் டாக்டர்?

அப்பா 5 + 5 எவ்வளவு?
மடையா, அறிவு இல்லே, வெட்கமாக இல்லே உனக்கு, இது கூட தெரியாதா? சரி, சரி அந்தகால்குலேட்டரை எடுத்து வா நான் பார்த்து சொல்றேன்.

இன்பத்திலும் சிரி,துன்பத்திலும் சிரி,சிரிச்சுக்கிட்டே இரு
அப்பதான் நீ லூசுன்னுஎல்லாரும் நம்புவாங்க………

காலிஃ பிளவரை’ தலையில் வைக்க முடியாது
எலக்ட்ரி’ சிட்டி’யில் தங்க முடியாது
கள்ளிப்’ பாலில்’ காபி போட முடியாது
கோல’ மாவில்’ பூரி போட முடியாது
கோல்டு’ பில்டரை அடகு வைக்க முடியாது- இது மாதிரிஉன்னையும் குளிக்க வைக்க முடியாது!
-குளிக்கும்போது யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்

நண்பா நீ கம்ப்யூட்டர் முன்னாடி உட்காந்தா, அது என்ன நினைக்கும் தெரியுமா?
Intel insideMental outside !!!
- மல்லுக்கட்டி யோசிப்போர் ச?ங்க?ம்

நண்பா உன் எதிர்காலம்நீ காணும் கனவுகளில்தான் இருக்கிறது!
அதனால…
சீக்கிரமா தூங்கப் போடா கண்ணு!

உன்னை யாரவதுலூசுன்னு சொன்னா???..
கவலை படாதே!
வருத்த படாதே!
ஃபீல் பண்ணாதே!
உங்களுக்கு எப்படிதெரியும்ன்னு கேள் !!!

என்னதான் கராத்தேலபிளாக்பெல்ட்டுனாலும்தெருநாய் தொரத்தினாஓடத்தான் செய்யணும்!

வாழை மரம்‘தார்’ போடும்ஆனால் அதை வச்சுநம்மால‘ரோடு’ போட முடியாதே!

நாய்க்கு நாலு கால் இருக்கலாம்,ஆனால், அதாலலோக்கல் கால்,எஸ்.டி. டி.கால்,ஐ.எஸ்.டி. கால்ஏன் ஒரு மிஸ்டு கால் கூடப் பண்ண முடியாது.
- விஞ்ஞானரீதியா யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்

ஓட்டல்ல காசுக் கொடுக்கலன்னாமாவாட்டச் சொல்வாங்கபஸ்ல காசுக் கொடுக்கலன்னாபஸ் ஓட்டச்சொல்வாங்களா?
- கஷ்டப்பட்டு யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்

டாக்டர் உங்களைச்சந்திக்கனும் நீங்க எப்ப “ஃப்பிரி”
எப்ப வந்தாலும் நான் “ஃப்பிரி” இல்ல “பீஸ்” வாங்குவேன்

அரண்மனைக்குள்ளே அடிக்கடி சரிங்சு விழுந்து காயம் பண்ணிக்கிறீங்களே மன்னா!
அதற்காக நீங்கள் கொற்றவனுக்குச் சென்ற இடமெல்லாம் சிராய்ப்பு’னுபாட்டெழுதுற்தா?!

என்ன சார், நீங்க யூனிவர்சிட்டியில வேலை செய்யறதாசொன்னீங்க. ஆனா வீட்டுல சமையல்செய்துட்டிருக்கீங்க?நல்லதொரு குடும்பம் பல்கலைக்கழகம்னு உங்களுக்கு தெரியாதா…?!

தண்டோரா போடுபவனை மன்னர் ஏன் தண்டிக்கிறாரு?
இளவரசியை அடக்குபவருக்கு காளை பரிசு’ன்னு மாற்றிச் சொல்லிட்டானாம்!!

பெப்ஸிக்கு சூர்யா… கோக்குக்கு விஜய்… ஃபேண்டாவுக்கு சிம்ரன்… கவலையேபடாதே மாமு’ கோலி சோடவுக்கு உன்னை விட்டா யாரும்மில்லை’

இன்னிக்கி 8 மணிக்கு கடுமையான மழையும் காற்றும் வரும்னு டி.வி யில சொன்னாங்க.நீங்க கேட்டீங்களா?
இல்லை அவங்களே சொன்னங்க…

என்னதான் நீங்க புத்திசாலியாக இருந்தாலும் பல்லு விலக்கும் போது இளிச்சவாயன்தான்.

செல்போனுக்கும் மனிதனுக்கும் என்ன வித்தியாசம்? மனிதனுக்கு கால் இல்லன்னாபேலன்ஸ் பண்ண முடியாது.செல்போனில் பேலன்ஸ் இல்லன்னா கால் பண்ண முடியாது.

வாளமீன்???
வின்டோஸ்க்கும் லினக்ஸ்க்கும் கல்யாணம்.அந்த அப்ளிகேஷன் சாப்ட்வேர் எல்லாம் ஊர்வலம்.இன்டர்நெட்டில் நடக்குதய்யா திருமணம்.அந்த டிவைஸ் டிரைவர்க்கு எல்லாம் கும்மாளம்.கல்யாணமா கல்யாணம்.கல்யாணமா கல்யாணம்.மாப்பிள்ளை சி ஸ்ட்ராங்கான ஆளுங்கோ,மணப்பொண்ணு சி+ + தானுங்கோ,இந்த திருமணத்தை நடத்தி வைக்கும் பெரிய மனுஷர் யாருங்கோ…?தலைவரு பில்கேட்ஸ் தானுங்கோ.

Thatstamil.com

Teacher : Oxygen is must for breathing. It was discovered in 1773.

Sardar : Thank God, I was born after that.

A burglar is in big trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

[tscii] Footballers are so educated :rotfl:


My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. '
David Beckham


'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
Mark Viduka


'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham


'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall


'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne


'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer


'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona .'
Mark Draper


'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll
win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton


'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester .'
Stan Collymore


'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi


'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright


'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu


‘ Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate


'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce


'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right.'
Lee Hendrie


'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush


‘ Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
internationals out there today.'
Steve Lomas


'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock.'
Barry Venison


'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into
what religion yet.'
David Beckham


'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.'
Phil Neville


'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas


'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer


'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles


'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!


A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Cecil's trailer house, Cecil asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Cecil. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Cecil.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

A man was giving a speech at his club meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."

Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family. After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place that was just right. The landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"

Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."



An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"


Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake.



A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?

The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.



A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.



Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.




Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: None. All are true stories.

How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program

by Dave Barry from his new book Dave Barry In Cyberspace

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

+-------++------------+
| YES || SURE |
+-------++------------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring or a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Performance Appraisal and what it means...

Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullsh*t

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive – Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment – Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

After All These Years!!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...








"CELEBRATE !!!"

:rotfl2:

ஒரு சின்ன பையனாண்ட ஒரு மைனா பறவை கட்சிதாம். அத்த வச்சு எப்பப்பாரும் வெள்யாடிக்னேர்ந்தானாம். அதுக்கு தண்ணி வைக்கிறதும், சோறு வைக்கிறதும் 'னு ஒரே ஜாலில இருந்தானாம்.

ஒரு நாளு அவன் ஸ்கூலுக்கு போக சொல்லொ மைனா செத்து பூட்ச்சு.அம்மாக்காரிக்கு ஒரே பீலிங்கா ஆயிட்ச்சு," அய்யோ கொயந்த திருனிவந்து இத்த பாத்த அயிவுமே'ன்னு சொல்ட்டு.

ஸ்கூல் உட்டு வந்ததும் பையனுக்கு நாஸ்தா குட்தப்புறம் அம்மா மெதுவா சொன்னாளாம்.."ராஜா....ஒரு விசயம்....அளுவாம கேளு.....உன் மைனா செத்து பூட்சுப்பா.....நீ அத்த பார்க்க வோணாம்னு சொல்லி நானே பொதச்டேம் பா" ன்னு பயந்துகின்னே சொன்னானாம்.

"ஓ..அப்பிடியா" அப்பிடின்னு கேட்டுக்கினு பம்பரம் எட்துன்னு விளையாட கிளம்பிட்டாம் பையன். அம்மாக்காரிக்கு ஆச்சர்யம். இன்னாடா இது, இவ்வளோ சுளுவா முடிஞ்சிட்ச்சி...பையன் இவ்ளோ லேசா எட்துக்குனானேன்னு.

விளையாடி முட்சிட்டு நைட்டுக்கா வீட்டுக்கு வந்த பையன் "மைனா எங்கம்மா ?" ன்னு கேட்டானாம். "அதான் செத்துப்பூட்ச்சுன்னு சொன்னனடா" ன்னு அம்மா சொல்லிகிறா.

உடனே புரண்டு புரண்டு அய ஆரம்பிச்சிட்டுனாம். கத்தி கத்தி அயரான், ஒண்ணியும் நிக்கிறா மாதிரி இல்ல.
"டேய்...இத்தயே தானடா மத்தியானம் சொன்னேன்...அப்பொ அயுவாம....இப்ப இன்னாதுக்கு கத்தற?"ன்னாளாம்.

பையன் அயிதுகினே சொன்னானாம்: "நீ அப்போ மைனாவை பத்தியா சொன்ன ? நான் நைனா 'ன்னு நென்ச்சேன்"

:rotfl:

பி.ஆர். நீங்க எழுதின இஷ்டைலு...படா சோக்கா கீது! :clap: :lol: