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:lol2:Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemaster1982
Ive read it as a forwarded joke :)Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemaster1982
:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Shakthiprabha
:PQuote:
Originally Posted by Prabhu Ram
maina-naina joke: :lol:
Was reading AV old jokes [1960-70's]!!! :rotfl: classic... :lol:
Samples
x : Enakku car otta kathukka 3 maasam aachu.
Y: Appadiya? Enakku 3 car aachu.
:rotfl:
X: Yenpa un payyana ippadi adikira?
Y: Avvan paritchai result adutha vaaram varudhu, aana appo oorula naan irrukka maatene...!!
:lol:
:lol:
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn! :mrgreen:
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey , could I get a beer please?"
The bartender looks at him and shaking his head saya "No, we don't serve food here."
Two cannibals were eating clowns
One said "does this taste funny to you?"
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no (hell if i know)
Bushisms
Health Warning: the range of emotions one may go through when reading the following may not always be :lol: but may include :x :roll: :hammer: :banghead: and :curse: Please be advised.
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.
-"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" - January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.
-"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander-in-chief, too." - Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.
-"There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." - Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.
- "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." - April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.
- "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." - April 18, 2002, at the White House.
-"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.
-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defence spending bill.
-"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.
- "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." - April 20, 2005, in Washington.
- "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." - Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.
-"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbours back into neighbourhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." - Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of hurricane Katrina.
-"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." - June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.
-"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." - Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
- "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." - June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.
- "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." - September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.
-"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict to the White House.
-"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." - May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.
-"And they have no disregard for human life." - July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.
- "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." - June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.
-"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." - July 4, 2008 in Virginia.
- "This thaw - took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be
Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what
she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an ax and two
38s!'
Sardar furniture dealer in Paris
A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine.
As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe.......
Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!!
Fear of bombs on planes
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
:rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by directhit
:thumbsup:
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
9. President Bush was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the head killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did !'
Two men jumping from Terrace :shock:
First says: This is my 50th time. I'm a record holder. :boo: :smokesmirk:
Second says: This is my first time. I'm a Satyam ShareHolder :hammer:
:rotfl:
:(
A Cute Lie:
LKG Boy on phone.
Boy: My son has severe cold and fever. He won't be able to come to school today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Boy: This is my father!!!
:lol2:
:D
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by viraajan
*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good
home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal.. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale R50.' The next day someone stole it.*
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'*
***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook
her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' *
****
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.*
***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.*
****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...*
***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount..... *
***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...*
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived
yet?'...*
***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.*
Idiotic 'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Reasons Why We Indians Cannot be Terrorists
1. *We are always late*; we would have missed all 4 flights.
2. We would *talk loudly* and bring attention to ourselves.
3. With *free food & drinks* on the plane, we would forget why we're There
4. We *talk with our hands*;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
5. We would *ALL want to fly the plane*.
6. We would a*rgue and start a fight* in the plane.
7. We *can't keep a secret*; we would have told everyone a week before doing
it.
8. We would have put our *country's flag* on the windshield.
9. We would have postponed the mission because a *cricket match* was going
on that day
10. We would all have fallen over each other *to be in the photograph* being
taken with one of the hostages.
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by viraajan
:rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by ksen
:rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
wud have been a riot watching it :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by ksen
its just a hoax. nothing happened like that in WWTBAMQuote:
Originally Posted by directhit
pleaseeeeeeee!!!!!!!! :shock: :sigh2:Quote:
Originally Posted by directhit
:confused2: :roll:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shakthiprabha
Once upon a time a man was repairing a table. There was a sharp nail on it. So he removed it and threw that away. Unfortunately his young son got injured by that nail. He went to a doctor. The doctor said it would need lots of money to treat the boy. He borrowed money from everyone and cured the boy. But he was unable to repay the money.
So he committed suicide. Seeing this, his wife and son also committed suicide.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
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AANIYAE PUDUNGA VENDAM... :lol2:
DH : unga avatar idhukku correctaa irukku :D
"Nee pudungara aaNi ellaamE vENdaadha aaNidhaan"
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by ksen
:rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by ksen
The "incident" quoted here is actually a hoax. Never happened :)Quote:
Originally Posted by directhit
Hoax joke :D (Would have been perfect for Nov's women-bashing joke series :|)
got a forwarded mail-
Those who don't understand the below plan should go back to the school.
Satyam's 11-Point Plan To Boost Employee Confidence Satyam has unveiled a rescue package for its associates, the terms of which are detailed below. Like Satyam's notional cash pile, here is a fictional story on how Satyam can encounter this crisis and restore confidence of the Associates.
1. Satyam will launch Satyam-PWC Centre of Creative Accounting & Management (SCAM) This Centre will be headed by Srinivas Vadlamani. Satyam Associates can enroll in this SCAM and develop their creative accounting skills. SCAM will impart best practices by benchmarking with other world class firms like Enron and Worldcom. People who know US-GAAP and other accounting standards need not apply as you are over qualified. Your skills will be put to full use during quarter close and year-end. Placement is assured in one of the Satyam group companies like Maytas, Samtay, Tamasy, Tasmay etc.
2. Satyam-ISB Centre for Corporate Misgovernance (SICC) will be under the stewardship of M Rammohan Rao. Satyam will establish this centre to groom the next generation of Directors who can fill the Board positions in Satyam group and also aspire for similar position in many other tainted companies in India. We will also teach you how to draft your own resignation letter before resigning from the board.
3. All associates will be offered a chance to throw shoes at Ramalinga Raju like what happened to Bush recently.
4. All Associates will be given stock under the Employee Shock Option Plan (E-Shock). Before future confessions, Ramalinga Raju will update the E-Shock holders in advance so that they can sell their shares before the stock crashes.
5. All Associates will be provided company Memorabilia like T-shirts, caps, key chains, coffee mugs etc. to be sold on Ebay. The right moment to sell these items would be around the time we announce our bankruptcy.
6. Employees who nod their heads well will be appointed to the Board and will be paid Rs. 12 Lakhs per annum. The best such nodder will be paid upto Rs. 1 crore per annum. Such directors need to maintain silence at the Board meetings. The only word they are allowed to say is YES. Although you will be called independent directors, you'll have to depend on Raju & Co. for everything.
7. Life long supply of Hyderabad Biriyani to tide over the crisis. All associates will get free tickets to FIFA world cup 2010 & 2014 for which Satyam is the co-sponsor.Satyam is also contemplating the acquisition of Tamil Nadu government-owned TASMAC as the name closely resembles the names of Satyam and Maytas. If this deal goes through, you'll be assured of free supply of liquor. We have engaged the services of domestic investment bank JP Murugan to assist us in this strategic acquisition.
8. For Satyam Associates who are dis-associated (laid off), you'll be offered agricultural land under the possession of Maytas so that you can be self-associated (Self-Employed). Some of the land documents might be forged and Satyam, Maytas or the Raju family will not take any responsibility for the genuineness or otherwise of these land documents.
9. Satyam will float a new website called www.SatyamCVs.com where employees can apply for outside jobs. Instead of the associates posting their CVs on other third party websites like Naukri and Monster, associates can now post their CVs directly on this site. This site will only accept CVs from Satyam associates. The front page of this site will contain a ticker showing the number of CVs in the site. This will give an assurance to the outside world that we do have the 53,000 employees stated in our financial reports. Our interim CEO Ram Mynampati just inaugurated this job site by uploading his CV. Our HR team will be able to assist if you have any queries or doubts about this site. While showing projects that you have worked on, you are free to choose from any of the 500 Fortune 500 companies as our audited accounts shows that all of them are our customers. Please accommodate if the site is slow as we are experiencing huge traffic on this site. Even our HR people (who are normally quite free) are very busy updating their CV's on this site.
10. All our candidates for whom we have offered campus placements are required to report to work immediately. They will be accommodated in the new shiny benches bought for this purpose. These benches are located outside the office building. We felt this is best way out as we have decided to switch off the Air-conditioning inside the premises to cut costs. All the new joiners should come with a Cash deposit (in lieu of the bond) of Rest. 2 lakhs each. Satyam intends to use this money to tide over the working capital crisis. Once you come onboard, we will try to send you on onsite project where you can recover your Rs. 2 lakh deposit within a short period.
11. Since some of our cheques are bouncing, we will now be handing over the salaries in cash instead of cheques. Associates are required to count and verify the genuineness of the cash before leaving the office premises. No future claims will be entertained.
From an article in msn.com about foolish claims on tax deductions :
==========
Steve Bennett, president and CEO of Intuit, the maker of the TurboTax software program, reports this one:
A client gave away his house to a local fire department to burn up in a training exercise. So far, so good. It appears to be a legitimate, allowable charitable contribution that was made to an appropriate organization.
But here's the kicker: The value of the property actually went up once the house was removed.
Because the value increased, sorry, there could be no deduction.
===================
In spite of what you have been told by everyone, the truth is that Valentine's Day originated hundreds of years ago, in India, and to top it all, in Gujarat !!
Gujarati men, especially the Patels, continually mistreated and disrespected their wives (Patelianis). One fine day, it happened to be the 14th day of February, one brave Pateliani, having had enough "torture" from her husband, finally chose to rebel by beating him up with a Velan (rolling pin). Yes....the same Velan which she used daily, to make chapattis for him....only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was flattened. This was a momentous occasion for all Gujarati women and a revolt soon spread like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their husbands with the Velan. There was an outburst of moaning "chapatti-ed" husbands all over Anand and Amdavad. The Patel men-folk quickly learnt their lesson and started to behave more respectfully with their Patelianis.
Thereafter, on 14th February every year, the womenfolk of Gujarat would ceremoniously beat up their husbands, to commemorate that eventful day. The wives having the satisfaction of beating up their husbands with the Velan and the men having the supreme joy of submitting to the will of the women they loved. Soon, the Gujju men realised that in order to avoid this ordeal they needed to present gifts to their wives....they brought flowers and sweetmeats. Hence the tradition began.
As Gujarat fell under the influence of Western culture, that day was called 'Velan time' day.
The ritual soon spread to Britain and many other Western countries, specifically, the catch words 'Velan time!'. Of course in their foreign tongues, it was first anglicised to 'Velantime' and then to 'Valentine'. And thereafter, 14th of February came to be known as Valentine's Day!
:roll:Quote:
Originally Posted by ksen