20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
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20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Grandpa: "Go hide. Your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello I need your help!
911: What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- So whats the problem with that?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Things I never learned in School:
1) how to do taxes
2) anything to do with banking
3) how to do loans for college
4) how to buy a car / house
5) how to jump start a car
but I'm so glad I know the Pythagorean Theorem.
Cute girl: How much is this bag?
Salesguy: Just three kisses
Cute girl: How much is that bag?
Salesguy: Eight kisses
Cute girl: OK, I will take both. Dad will pay.
Salesguy: Oh shoot
Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.
I got some Chinese symbols tattooed on my arm that reads, "I don't know, I don't speak Chinese".
So when someone asks what it says...
Ever want to say "I don't know" without sounding stupid?
Say this:
I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.
Hubby: What do you want for your 40th birthday?
Wifey: Nothing will make me happier than a diamond ring
And since, he wanted her to be happy, he got her nothing.
p/s: visiting hours at the hospital he has been admitted to is from 5pm to 8pm.
Q: Is google a boy or girl?
A: Obviously a girl because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Boy: Hi. :D
Girl: I have a boyfriend. :roll:
Boy: I said hi, not give me a kiss. :twisted:
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Police: where do you live?
Boy: with my parents
Police: where do your parents live?
Boy: with me
Police: where do you all live?
Boy: together
Police: where is your house?
Boy: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Boy: if I tell you you wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Boy: next to my house
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phone. What's the Big deal??!"
My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining.
If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in.
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried.
Then he hugged my sister & me.
Did you hear about the guy who was brought in to the hospital, badly beaten up?
It was his birthday, and his wife had bought him an iPhone 5.
Apparently he had told his wife that he was happy because the phone had panorama view and he could finally take her picture....
I don't always get asked out on a date.
But when I do... It's on April 1st.
Waitress: Have i kept you waiting long?
Customer: No, but did you know there are 3,296 squares on the ceiling?
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "Go with the good news first."
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."
A Tamil lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defence:
"My client, Kesevan, merely inserted his arm into the window and removed the wallet. His arm is not his total self, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the Judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's Arm to 5 year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant, Kesevan, smiled.
With his Lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. ...
Don’t mess with a Tamil!
"Highbrow jokes" (from "The Independent")...
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
நல்ல தொகுப்பு :D
நெரைய நேரம் எல்லா ஹுயூமர்க்கும் ப்ரொக்ராமெர்ஸ் மாட்னாங்க :lol:
Mom: "I heard you failed your English exam?"
He: Who telled you?
Dear Pancakes,
Do you have little compartments for syrup? No? I didn't think so.
Sincerely, Waffles.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
Husband (watching a video): Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes.
No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
Me: I bet you 100 bucks, you can't say the alphabet faster than me.
Friend: challenge accepted! A B C D E F G H I....
Me: the alphabet
Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!
Did you hear about the guy whose who met with an accident and had his left hand and leg amputated?
He's all right now.
2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is a easy way to earn money..
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies,
"Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"mom said,
"Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then tries it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
They say milk gives you strength. Drink 10 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. You cant.
Drink 10 shots of Vodka and it moves by itself.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Moron!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Cheat!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that idiot, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*
boy: "Mommy?"
mom: "What?"
boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"
mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."
boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.
Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.