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A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook!!
A man calls 911
Man: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Man: The ugly one is winning.
Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
Met an old friend after a long time and asked him, "so, who are you working for now?"
"The same people," he answered, "for my wife and two kids."
I am washing car
Neighbor: You washing your car?
Me: No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
On vacation my nine-year-old son and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that my son kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.
When they got up to leave, my son watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"
I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this more interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain.
When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature."
My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”
Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”
“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”
Sometimes men don’t date women for their IQs. Here are some examples:
Today, my girlfriend asked me if my grandmother had any kids.
My girlfriend and I went out to dinner. We were going to get there 30 minutes early, so I told her to call to see if they could bump us up. The reservation was under my name. After being with me for a year, she didn’t know how to say my last name.
It took my girlfriend almost a full season of The Office to realize it wasn’t a reality show.
Aged Mr. Cobra went to see an optician complaining about not being able to see well. The doctor prescribed the snake a pair of spectacles. Mr. Cobra was delighted!
A few days later the optician met a very depressed Mr. Cobra . "What's wrong? Anything wrong with my prescription?"
"No doctor. I just realised that I have been living with a podalangai (snake gourd) for the last couple of years."
I answered a 911 call at our emergency dispatch center from a woman who said her water broke.
"Stay calm," I advised. "Now, how far apart are your contractions?"
"No contractions," she said breathlessly. "But my kitchen is flooding fast."
When my friend spotted a blind man and his guide dog at a crosswalk, she stopped her car and waved them on.
"Uh, Jothi," I said, "he can’t see you."
"I know that," she said indignantly. "I’m waving the dog on."
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
A father of a teenage daughter was annoyed as his daughter was spending all the time on the house phone, depriving the other family members from using the phone. So, he had a new telephone line installed just for her.
Two days later, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch, chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using the family telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
A teenagers' Facebook update:
"Internet was not working last night, spent time with family....they seem to be nice people..
Once a woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
Two men went to a pub and after ordering two beers, took some samosas out of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can’t eat your own samosas in here," complained the pub owner.
So the two men swapped their samosas.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV.
The saleswoman runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Bill Gates once called his bank, "My cheque was returned with a remark: "Insufficient funds". I'd like to know whether it refers to mine or the bank?"
An elderly man remembers the good old days: “when I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar, and I would bring back 5 bags of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.
Latest marriage pronouncement:
I now pronounce you husband and wife - you may change your Facebook statuses.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed... My name, mobile phone number, living address, etc.
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
Husband to wife :- Today is a fine day.
Next day he says :- Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing - Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband :-
Since last one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband :- Last week when we had an argument, you said,"I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you..
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR PHONE IS MADE IN CHINA
1. It gets full after 3 minutes of charging..
2. The phone has TV, Touch screen, Nail cutter, fire lighter, tubelight, etc.
3. Text message can be written with a toothpick.
4. There are some spelling mistakes e.g NokLa, blackderry, i-porn, samswag etc.
5. When an aeroplane passes by, it records "one missed call".
6. When a big truck hoots; it records "charger connected".
7. When a Chinese man passes by you it says "One Bluetooth Device Found"...
HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR PHONE IS MADE IN CHINA
1. It gets full after 3 minutes of charging..
2. The phone has TV, Touch screen, Nail cutter, fire lighter, tubelight, etc.
3. Text message can be written with a toothpick.
4. There are some spelling mistakes e.g NokLa, blackderry, i-porn, samswag etc.
5. When an aeroplane passes by, it records "one missed call".
6. When a big truck hoots; it records "charger connected".
7. When a Chinese man passes by you it says "One Bluetooth Device Found"...