She: I have changed my mind!
Me: Thank God, but does the new one work?
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She: I have changed my mind!
Me: Thank God, but does the new one work?
Rajnikanth was born on 30th Feburary..
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Since then February decided not to give this day to anybody else...!
Wife calls husband in his office.
Wife: Window is not opening. What shall I do?
Husband: Put some oil and wait for while. It will open. If not, then put more oil and wait.
Wife (little unconvinced): Are you sure?
Husband: Yes, trust me, it will do the magic. Try it.
After a while, husband calls back to check: Did you do as I told you? Did it do the needful trick?
Wife: I don't know about the trick or magic, but now the entire laptop is not starting
Could you fax me ur photo very very urgently?
Mind you - it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important.
I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.
Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …
Help-desk : double click on “My Computer”.
Lady : I can’t see your computer..
Help-desk : No .. Click on “My Computer” on your computer.
Lady : How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ??? !!
Help-desk : There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer .. double click on it.
Lady : What the hell is your computer doing on my computer
Marriage proposal in 2013:
Mike: I'm not rich like Raj, I don't have a big house like Raj, I don't have a BMW like Raj, I'm not as good looking as Raj but honey I love you!
Jaya: I love you too - now give me Raj's number.
A woman looking in the mirror, said "I like to look at my lovely young complexion and attractiveness, do you think that's vanity?"
Her husband said, "no, just your imagination!"
Mr Sivam gets into work late for the 5th time in five days and his boss says: "OK Sivam, what's the excuse today? "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
"I'm very sorry boss," he says, "everything went wrong this morning, my wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but we got stuck in traffic. I didn't want to let you down so I got out of the car, knocked a policeman off his motor bike, stole his bike and raced through the streets to the station with siren screeching, the train was just pulling out of the platform so I ran after it and jumped on the back, I clung on at speeds of 100mph for 30 minutes but it didn't stop in the station so I jumped off on the viaduct into the swollen river and swam through raging torrents, got out of the river and grabbed a passing fire engine, clung on for dear life and it dropped me off here - and here I am - look, my suit's still damp!"
"You'll have to do better than that, Sivam," said the boss, disappointed. "That's unbelievable, no woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
A man in the sleeping car train ordered one of the attendants, "I have to be off at Trichy, I'm a heavy sleeper (no pun intended!), but I must get off there. I want you to put me off, whatever I say."
The next morning he woke up at Cochin!
Extremely annoyed he found the attendant and gave him a piece of his mind. After he had left, somebody asked the attendant, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk?"
"That's nothing!", replied the attendent, "you should have heard the guy I put off at Trichy!"
Jay wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
At the job interview the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw two trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Jay said: "I would put all signals to danger"
"What if they were going too fast?", asked the inspector.
Jay said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down the signal box steps waving a red flag", said Jim.
"What if it blew away in the wind?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run back into the signal box & phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," persevered Jay , "I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into the village and bring my son."
This puzzled the Inspector, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash!!"
A man ordered a chicken meal at a restaurant. When it arrived, he found something odd and summoned the waiter.
"Why is this chicken's one leg longer than the other?"
The waiter replied "Do you want to eat it or dance with it?".
A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots the man sliding under the table whilst the woman seeming totally unconcerned.
As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went across and quietly whispered to the woman "Excuse me but your husband has just slid under your table"
"Oh no he hasn't" said the woman, "he's just walked in."
NOV., I vote this The Best A-Quip Joke of 2013 - unless of course you are intending to override it with a better one before the year ends!Quote:
Originally Posted by NOV
Your joke in FB today was worthy... why don't you post it here? :p
I went for a meal with a chess fanatic the other day. There was a checked tablecloth on the table. It took three hours for him to pass the salt.
A teacher asked his class: "Where does God live?"
A student answered: "I think he lives in our bathroom."
The teacher then asked: "Why do you say that?"
The student answered: "Well, every morning my dad bangs on the bathroom door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'"
A man went to see the doctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"
You invented Tipp-Ex... correct me if I'm wrong??
So Eric Bristow came up to me... he said, "How come you put Super-Glue on one my darts?" I said "You just can't let it go, can you?"
I've just come back from a "once-in-a-lifetime" holiday... Tell you what... never again...
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop... it was sole-destroying...
I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell...
A man went to see the doctor.
Man: "Doc, I think I'm spending too long on the computer, I'm starting to see spots in front of my eyes".
Doctor: "Have you seen an optician?"
Man: "No, just spots."
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
The teacher asked her kindergarten student if he knew how to count her numbers.
"Yes," the kid replied."I learnt from watching my dad at home," The teacher was a bit puzzled."What comes after three?" the teacher asked.
"Four," the kid answered confidently.
"What comes after seven?"
Eight."
"Very good," the teacher said. "Your dad must have an effective method. Now tell me what comes after ten?"
The little kid said excitedly, "A Jack!"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Shanti?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Devi!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
At a college reunion dinner three close friends met after a long time. They were professionals - a doctor, accountant and a lawyer. While talking about their successful lives the accountant took the opportunity to ask his friend for a medical advise.
The doctor examined him there itself and prescribed medicine telling him how to take it and certain exercises. He assured him that he will be better after taking the medicine as well as following his advice and that it will not recur.
The accountant left the both and the doctor now turned to his lawyer friend and lamented that the accountant friend is very rich but he still sought a free medical consultation. He asked the lawyer friend whether he ought to send him a bill for this medical consultation to which the lawyer replied that he should since professions and friendship are separate. So, the doctor posted his bill for consultation amounting to $200.00.
The following day the doctor received a bill from his lawyer friend amounting to $400.00 being legal consultations!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
A man was staggering down the street and stopped by a policeman who asked, "Just where are you going at 1:30 in the morning?"
The man said, "To an alcohol lecture."
The cop asked, "At this hour? Where is it and who is giving it?"
The man said, "It's at my house, and my wife is giving it."