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E-Mail Note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping.
I'm followed to and from work every day.
So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer...
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must Confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party.'
vElan: the cabbie/nun joke is really (really) good... just can't stop laughing! :rotfl:
:ty: RD :)
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
A new generation kid's twitter update..
"Internet was not working last night, spent time with family.
They seem to be nice people...."
Grandma eavesdropped on a young couple...
We've been together for 4mths now, says boy.. n what's d proof?
Girl says... ABCDEFG! What's that? asks boy...
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl..
Grandma's jealous.. ran home n asks Grandpa...
You still love me? What's the proof?
Of course I love you.. we've been together for 40yrs..
That's not enough.. Grandma says... I want to hear ABCDEFG...!
ok.. says Grandpa.. ABCDEFGHIJK..!
Elaborate... says Grandma..
Grandpa says.. I love you cos you're... Amazing, Beautiful, Cute, Dynamic, Elegant, Fantastic, Good, Honest....
Grandma was beaming, smiling from ear to ear n blushing... n whats IJK?
Grandpa says... I'm Just Kidding....
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16 You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Dog 1 : vav,,vav,,
Dog 2 : vaav.. vav..
D1 : vaavv.. vavvavvav..
D2 : urrrrrrrrr...
D1 : stop.. stop.. why're you changing the topic..?
5 star hotel chef calls his wife and asks: whats for dinner?
Wife : Steamed fine long grain white rice hand-picked in the emerald green lap of the Vindhyas, accompanied by a golden lentil spicy soup that was gently simmered with the choiciest handpicked southern spices and the smouldering tang of organic tamarind
Husband : means ?
Wife : Chorum sambarum.
Arranged marriage is like you are walking down a path and a snake suddenly bites you....
While love marriage is like you dancing in front of a cobra and singing will you be my chammak challo.....
At a party a man was seen going to the counter asking the bartender to refill every now and then. His wife admonished him saying that he should be embarrassed for asking for so many refills.
The man replied - why should I be embarrassed? Each time I ask for the refill I tell the bartender it is for you!
Good blonde joke vElan! Here's another one...
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth... if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. "I think I'm the smartest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up. "I think..." "POOF!"
There was a family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three.
Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise from father for such yummy tea, kid’s Mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever come to your mind that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet comode?'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Dad loves u but mother knows u..!