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A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won.
Local paper read: 'KING's ASS WON'
The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen.
The local paper then read:"QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The king fainted. Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.
Next day paper read: "QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10"
The queen fainted. The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle.
The Next Headlines: "QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE & WILD"
The king died... !!
A drunken & totally naked woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia. The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the taxi.
"What are you staring at Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?"
A man asked Vijaya Kanth, why Narendra Modi goes walking in the evening and not in the morning.
Vijaya Kanth replied, ''Thambi, Modi is PM not AM."
A Suspicious wife calls her husband : Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the blender
Husband : (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day...
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the blender.
Husband: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asked him, "Son where is your father?"
Son: "I do not know, he went out with the blender...
What is difference between poison and alcohol?
If you drink alcohol, you will dance around people. If you drink poison, peoplewill dance around you.
Why is it called alcohol?
Because aalukku aal enjoy it.
TEACHER: If you cannot make people understand what you are saying, you are stupid!
STUDENT: Sorry sir, I don't understand.
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
A Lawyer with a wife and their 12 children were looking for a new house to rent, as the tenancy agreement was ending at their current house.
But he was having difficulty in finding a house to rent as the landlords were worried about the large number of children. As a lawyer, he could not and would not lie.
Finally one day, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with their 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see the houses. One of the houses impressed him and the agent asked the usual question.
"How many children do you have?"
He answered, "I have 12 children."
Recovering from the initial shock, the agent then asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."
And that is how he ended up in your neighbourhood.
Guy receives a message from an unknown number:
Msg: Why are you not at the temple?!?!
Guy: Who is this?
Msg: God!
Guy: Why are you texting in the temple, God? Pay attention please!
Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
"You should treat your girlfriend the same way you treat your mobile phone."
"What, take good care of her, and never lose her?"
"No, upgrade every couple of years."
Gal: I'm scared baby...
Guy: Why is that?
Gal: That one day you will love someone else besides me.
Guy: I already do - and she looks like you.
Gal: awww... our future daughter, I love you so much....
Guy: No, your sister.
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic, fell into a river and all passengers died.
All the husbands cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much, he replied miserably, "No, my wife missed the bus."
Understanding A Girl Is Like Downloading A 4GB File.
At The Speed Of 2kbps it Ends Up..
In An Error At 99%
All girls are beautiful, after the lights are switched off!
- Shakespeare.
All boys are innocent before the lights are off!
- Shakespeare's wife.
Beauty of ENGLISH-
Ever noticed how deleting one word after another in a sentence can lead to a nice story ?
Here's an example:
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at all .!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont..!"
"Oh Jack plz...!"
"Oh Jack.. !"
"Oh....!"
"O....!"
EXTRACTED from a COURT REPORT FROM INDIA
Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public? What did you do?"
Raj : "Sir, I am innocent."
Judge : "Why do you say that?"
Raj : "Your Honour, I was in crowded bus and my photo fell from wallet. So I only say to lady in front of me, "Aunty, please lift your sari, I want to take photo ..."
Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class...
Professor : What kind of Wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...🌙
Professor : Wow !! what a choice....So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon? 🌙
Johnny : No, no...
Professor : oh so you want her to be Round and white?
Johny: No, no...
Professor : Oh, so you want her to be Fair and Beautiful like d moon? 🌝
Johny: No, no... I want her to be Exactly like MOON ....... Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning
😉🌜..
Five year old boy, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me,one can bathe me,...."
Mum smiled and said:"Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep!"
After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!"
"Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?"
"Let them sleep with daddy!"
Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness:"My sweet son!"
A man went on a business trip to the Middle East and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happened if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in Middle East. We read from the right to the left.'
'THEY WALK AMONG US'
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans, Hertfordshire!!
IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford .
IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.
AND THEY BREED!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law & your wife at the same time, whom will you save?
Husband: Of course the tiger, very few are left now.
The older doctor suggested tht the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older dr says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating & see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “U didn’t even examine tht woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. Tht was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her : “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know tht woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope &, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed”
DATING MALAYSIAN STYLE!
Malay girl:
1st date: You get to hold hands
2nd date: You get a goodbye kiss.
3rd date: You both get caught by JAIS.
Chinese girl
1st date: You take her to a restaurant.
2nd date: You take her to an expensive restaurant.
3rd date: You take her to a very expensive restaurant and buy her a diamond necklace. She says her previous boyfriend did better.
Indian girl
1st date: You meet her parents.
2nd date: She meets your parents.
3rd date: Wedding night.