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BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake.
A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: None. All are true stories.
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How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program
by Dave Barry from his new book Dave Barry In Cyberspace
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+-------++------------+
| YES || SURE |
+-------++------------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring or a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
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Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Performance Appraisal and what it means...
Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullsh*t
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive – Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment – Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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After All These Years!!!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
"CELEBRATE !!!"
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ஒரு சின்ன பையனாண்ட ஒரு மைனா பறவை கட்சிதாம். அத்த வச்சு எப்பப்பாரும் வெள்யாடிக்னேர்ந்தானாம். அதுக்கு தண்ணி வைக்கிறதும், சோறு வைக்கிறதும் 'னு ஒரே ஜாலில இருந்தானாம்.
ஒரு நாளு அவன் ஸ்கூலுக்கு போக சொல்லொ மைனா செத்து பூட்ச்சு.அம்மாக்காரிக்கு ஒரே பீலிங்கா ஆயிட்ச்சு," அய்யோ கொயந்த திருனிவந்து இத்த பாத்த அயிவுமே'ன்னு சொல்ட்டு.
ஸ்கூல் உட்டு வந்ததும் பையனுக்கு நாஸ்தா குட்தப்புறம் அம்மா மெதுவா சொன்னாளாம்.."ராஜா....ஒரு விசயம்....அளுவாம கேளு.....உன் மைனா செத்து பூட்சுப்பா.....நீ அத்த பார்க்க வோணாம்னு சொல்லி நானே பொதச்டேம் பா" ன்னு பயந்துகின்னே சொன்னானாம்.
"ஓ..அப்பிடியா" அப்பிடின்னு கேட்டுக்கினு பம்பரம் எட்துன்னு விளையாட கிளம்பிட்டாம் பையன். அம்மாக்காரிக்கு ஆச்சர்யம். இன்னாடா இது, இவ்வளோ சுளுவா முடிஞ்சிட்ச்சி...பையன் இவ்ளோ லேசா எட்துக்குனானேன்னு.
விளையாடி முட்சிட்டு நைட்டுக்கா வீட்டுக்கு வந்த பையன் "மைனா எங்கம்மா ?" ன்னு கேட்டானாம். "அதான் செத்துப்பூட்ச்சுன்னு சொன்னனடா" ன்னு அம்மா சொல்லிகிறா.
உடனே புரண்டு புரண்டு அய ஆரம்பிச்சிட்டுனாம். கத்தி கத்தி அயரான், ஒண்ணியும் நிக்கிறா மாதிரி இல்ல.
"டேய்...இத்தயே தானடா மத்தியானம் சொன்னேன்...அப்பொ அயுவாம....இப்ப இன்னாதுக்கு கத்தற?"ன்னாளாம்.
பையன் அயிதுகினே சொன்னானாம்: "நீ அப்போ மைனாவை பத்தியா சொன்ன ? நான் நைனா 'ன்னு நென்ச்சேன்"
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பி.ஆர். நீங்க எழுதின இஷ்டைலு...படா சோக்கா கீது! :clap: :lol:
