Stressed at work and don't know why?

[a.ratchasi]

How To Deal With Negative People
By Eddie Chandler
Stress Management Specialist

Nobody likes a negative person. Listening to complaints from someone with a pessimistic, mud-slinging, doom and gloom attitude can drain your energy, push your patience to the limit, and impact your mental and physical health.
If someone who's close to you is consistently negative, you'll want to do something to help them change their attitude. That's because you can see what they can't: that their comments and actions are negatively impacting their career and hurting their interpersonal relationships.

Yet even if the negative person in your life is only a casual acquaintance or colleague, you may still need to address the issue. After all, their negativity can be both exhausting and can impact your own work and personal life. Take action to change their attitude, or you may find their negative mentality rubbing off on you -- making you become cynical and pessimistic, too.

whiners and complainers
Negative people find problems in every situation. They're never happy. They choose to focus only on problems and pitfalls, and never see any solutions or silver linings. They are worriers, always getting anxious about things over which they have no control. They're quick to blame others and to classify themselves as victims, always operating under the belief that the world is out to get them.

help them and yourself
In dealing with these people, you'll first have to accept that many of them may not see themselves as being negative. In fact, if you draw their attention to it, they might think you're after them. There's always a possibility that the problem is deeply rooted and that they are paranoid, delusional or clinically depressed and in need of professional help. In most cases, however, people choose their attitude, whether it's positive, negative or Posi-Real .

Someone who constantly wallows in self-pity is getting some personal payoff or benefit from it, or they would not allow it to continue. You can't always change other people, but you can control your reaction to them. Seeing how you react might be enough to prompt them to choose to change.

Here are some tips to help you counteract a contrary attitude.

Cut them some slack
Make sure your assessment is accurate. Sometimes we listen to so much whining and bitterness that we come to anticipate more of the same. We assume the worst, and expect certain people to complain before they even open their mouths. Make sure you're not putting a negative spin on someone's comments and actions. Most people don't consciously decide to make colleagues and family miserable. Condition yourself to believe that people generally mean well and have good intentions.
Don't let their negativity infect you...


Establish boundaries
Limit your contact with people who are pessimistic and selfish. Don't let another person's negative ways affect you, no matter who they are. Even if it's your best buddy or the colleague who sits next to you at work, you can choose not to react to his words or actions. Learn to recognize self-serving comments that are designed to get you to do something you otherwise would not even consider.

Ask for clarification
Don't jump to conclusions until you are sure of someone's true intents. Read between the lines and ask questions. Make them clarify, explain and repeat back whatever negative remark they just made. This might help the negative person realize how he sounds and demonstrate to him that there's no real foundation for what he's saying. In being forced to qualify his comments to you, a negative person is simultaneously forced to qualify them to himself.

Offer solutions
To keep a situation from being blown out of proportion, offer to help find practical solutions. Keep the communication open and show interest, but never accept responsibility for fixing the perceived problem. A negative person has a limited field of vision and cannot see the big picture. You'll have to point out the positives and help him focus on the benefits instead of the potential liabilities. Offer some perspective on what he's saying or doing, and he might see how ridiculous he's being. Use diplomacy and empathy without buying into the problem.

Don't get baited
Never fight someone else's turf war. Take what a negative person says with a grain of salt; it's not necessarily completely accurate. Some people complain in the hopes that someone else will fight their battles for them. Don't take the bait. Never let yourself get caught in a triangle, as a messenger between a chronically negative person and someone who has allegedly done him wrong. If you must play mediator, have both parties present and keep in mind that their miscommunications are their problem, not yours.

Call them on it
If someone is fishing for sympathy, call him on it. Question his manliness and tell him to quit complaining. Use humor to draw attention to pessimistic comments. Try mirroring his attitude by being as negative as he is. This may seem patronizing, but for some people, this might make them recognize their defeatist approach and incite them to change. In extreme cases, taping them or taking pictures might also help you prove your point, as they'll see their facial expressions, hear their negativity and notice how others behave around them. Enlist the help of colleagues or other friends to try to work on the problem together.

Don't let it get to you
Ignore negative comments from a known grouch. Don't let their negative vibes suck you into their downward spiral. You don't need your perceptions tainted by someone else's hypercritical viewpoint. If all else fails, avoid them entirely so their negativity does not bring you down. A negative environment will impact your productivity at work and your personal relationships. If, despite your best efforts, their fault-finding persists and starts to infiltrate your own outlook, walk away.

negativity is contagious
Some men enjoy being miserable. If they so choose, it's their right to be. But you needn't let their bad attitude adversely impact your own life. People who are constantly critical, continually complain and always make derogatory comments are exhausting to be around.

Try to make them see how their negativity is alienating people. Help them focus on the larger picture instead of minor setbacks, petty disputes and trivial details.

As a general rule, surround yourself with people with more positive and realistic viewpoints. Your priority must always be your own body and mind.

[a.ratchasi]

How To Deal With Annoying Friends

By Steve Richer

Believe it or not, we don't choose our friends. We don't go around consciously asking ourselves if the people we meet are worthy of our friendship. In fact, friendship usually strikes when you least expect it. You meet a guy at the ballgame and discover that both of you have an affinity for fishing. Before you know it, you're both sitting in a boat with rods in your hands.

You don't even have to know that person to enjoy their company; sometimes a common denominator is enough to serve as a bond. But what do you do if the guy turns out to be the most irritating person you've ever met? There are better solutions than simply throwing him overboard.

Allow me to introduce...

the mooch
This is the guy who has a very close relationship with his money. Actually, he's so attached to it that he won't even use it. He'll borrow money for a table dance, he'll pretend to have lost his wallet when the bill arrives, or he simply won't be there when it's his turn to buy the next round of drinks. He always claims to be broke and constantly tries to get others to provide for him.

Solution: If it's getting out of hand, start by letting him know that you are on a tight budget too and that you can't afford to keep covering for him. If that doesn't do the trick, your only option is to take a stand. Let him know that you've reached your generosity quota and that the stream has run dry.


the showoff
This guy is not necessarily the opposite of the Mooch, but at least he won't be asking for money. This guy will never cease to brag about what he has, what he's done, or with whom he's done it. He'll demand that you pay attention to his stories, actions or possessions.

Solution: Fundamentally, he's insecure and that's why he needs you to seem interested. For him, the only way to be worth something is to surpass others in the fields where he can indeed outshine them. So you can brush him off and tell him how you feel about this annoying habit of his, but it will hurt his feelings. Do so only if he isn't a good friend otherwise.


the motor mouth
The great thing about being a man is that we can be among our male friends and not have to talk about anything irrelevant. But there are guys who suffer from this troubled personality. They talk and talk and talk and never shut up. They'll tell you about their leaky faucets, marital problems, and painful hemorrhoids. You really don't need that much information.

Solution: The easy solution is to nod and say uh-huh every once in a while to show that you're listening. Whilst you do this, think about what kind of hamburger you're going to order or how you're going to manage your next mortgage payment. Since the motor mouth is harmless, doing this will get you through the torture without making him an enemy.


the rumor mill
This annoying person will usually wind up being a woman, as guys are by and large not known gossips. Similar to the Motor Mouth, the Rumor Mill elevates yakking to an art form, by only talking about others.

Solution: Dealing with this person must be done preemptively. You have to squash the rumors before they can be used by this person as ammo and never give this chatterbox any personal information that could be spurred into gossip about you.


the bloodsucker
Also known as a Leech in some circles, the Bloodsucker is one of the most infuriating personalities out there. No matter what you say to him, you're his best friend. He's absolutely convinced that you care about him as much as he cares about you. Remember Bill Murray's character in What About Bob? This guy is needy and will literally suck the life out of you.

Solution: Things can get worse when he decides to follow you around. It can even fall into the realm of stalking. If things get out of hand and he starts to seriously intrude on your personal life, set him straight. Let him know that you don't feel the same way and that he should respect your privacy and your space.


the opportunist
This person has an agenda. He may hang around you, pretend to be your friend, but deep down he is playing an angle. Perhaps he has his eye on your girlfriend or maybe he just likes to come over to your house and use your satellite TV system.

Solution: What you can do is shroud yourself in secrecy, and not let him know what's happening in your life so that he can't take advantage of it. If things go south, simply exclude him from your inner circle.


the incredible hulk
Okay, you might not actually know a guy that turns green and beefs up when he gets a paper cut. But I'm sure you know somebody who gets extremely angry, extremely fast. This guy has a temper and it might only take an ill-received comment to trigger it. This guy is dangerous because he can often get himself into more trouble than he can handle -- and take you along for the ride.

Solution: Tell him he should chill out (okay, in nicer terms) and that nobody did anything to warrant this kind of attitude. As well, don't take his outbursts personally.


the thug
The proverbial bully has a huge inferiority complex. He'll make jokes about you, get you to do things for him without any possibility of reward, and amuse himself with your pratfalls. He doesn't necessarily have anything to brag about so he'll entertain himself by tormenting those around him.

Solution: You have to realize that the Thug feeds on weakness. Like any other living organism, if you take away the nutrients, he will die. When you first realize that the person is a bully, take an immediate stand. They are like those old toy cars that drove around on their own but changed direction when faced with an obstacle. As soon as you identify the signs, set him straight and tell him you're not a pushover.


the knower of all things
Some folks are just so cocky that they think they know everything. In fact, and I'm sure you'll agree, they're the ones who are most often wrong. The reason is they are so sure of their own invulnerability that they never bother to check the facts. Only, you watch the Discovery Channel and know that aliens did not build the pyramids.

Solution: Never say: "you're wrong." Don't sink to the depths of the am-too/are-not variety. Tell him that you disagree and why. Point out explicit reasons with verifiable evidence that refute his position. Do so politely and without taking pleasure in it -- not noticeable delight anyway.

now what?

Finally, you'll realize that these stressful people can be dealt with and even remain your friends in the process. When exasperated, take a deep breath, take a break from their company, and imagine yourself elsewhere. And if all else fails, do like Mr. Costanza and yell to the entire world "serenity now!"

[hehehewalrus]

I thought this thread was about a song by Air Supply - "Lost in love and dont know why..."

[NM]

AR : Thanks...I have a few annoying people to handle and this is great! But, the rumour mongers are now shifting in gender.. & many of my colleagues agree with that!!

[tomato]

Good ones a.r. Though I have learnt to deal with a some of the mentioned ones, I know I can now turn to this thread when I'm at my wits end.

[blahblah]

It is a pity! a.r makes me feel like a "complete man".

I know many here would be a bit hesitant to admit it,but if there is a little bit of angel in you,there surely is a little bit of the devil

[a.ratchasi]

blahblah, there's more to come.

The 20 Highly Annoying Habits of Coworkers
by Michele Brooke

They never seem to know what hit them. For them, any comments regarding their behavior appear to come from nowhere. They’re completely oblivious. But the truth is, these feelings about your coworkers have been building for months, perhaps even years. It’s the "That Guy" syndrome, and there’s one in every office. Read on for SharpWork tips to ensure that That Guy doesn’t turn out to be you:

Defining the Problem

For all intents and purposes, That Guy can be defined as that annoying coworker across the hall or two cubicles down whose habits, gestures and/or work style is so utterly exasperating that he becomes the butt of office jokes and impersonations. He’s outspoken and typically so outrageously confident that his personality leans more toward arrogance than self-assurance.

Granted, in any given week we may all find ourselves expressing some of these traits – after all, in some cases, our workplace may simply seem like an extension of a college dormitory or fraternity house, encouraging a chummy atmosphere that encourages us to let our guard down. But don’t be fooled: this isn’t freshman year or a pledge class. Instead, think of it as rush week –only the cool land the promotions.

So, in order to prevent inadvertently becoming the subject of whispered jokes and muffled laughs, check out our list of the 20 highly annoying habits of coworkers–so you can avoid being "That Guy":

One:
Listening to voice mail on speakerphone. Get a headset or pick up the receiver.

Two:
E-mailing the person next door instead of walking to their office or picking up the phone. While you might think that a quick e-mail to the cube next door will prevent useless water cooler-type chitchat, proceed with caution, especially if the e-mail contains anything confrontational or controversial. In such cases, speak to your neighbor face to face, rather than fire off an e-mail in which, bolstered by the distance e-mail creates, you might say something impolitic that you would never say in person.

Three:
Allowing your cell phone to ring and ring… If you choose to keep your cell phone on at the office, discover the vibrate option.

Four:
Whining about work, or complaining about the workload. Although coworkers often bond about bad conditions, you never want to be the guy who is let go during cutbacks, simply because management had gotten wind that you are "unhappy anyway."

Five:
Eavesdropping, especially in cubeville. Or, standing in a doorway waiting for your coworker to get off the phone – even if it is evident that they’re on a personal call. If you’re trying to get a hold of coworker who seems to bounce from one call to the next, hand him or her a post-it indicating that you need to speak with him or her.

Six:
Eating smelly food at your desk. Believe us, no matter how much air freshener your spray, the odor will continue to lurk – even on your clothes. Stick to the non-smelly stuff, or eat it out of the office. Make a point of washing food smells off your hands and (ideally) brushing food smells out of your teeth after lunch.

Seven:
Eating other people’s candy, especially if it’s hidden in their desk drawer. Similarly, eating a coworker’s food from the communal refrigerator. Bring your own.

Eight:
Wearing too much cologne. Go easy on the Eternity, Polo, Cool Water, etc.

Nine:
Playing music too loudly. Even if your coworkers appreciate your fine taste in music, it’s distracting. If you have a radio in your office or cube, keep the volume very low so that it cannot be heard away from your desk.

Ten:
Not re-making the coffee. If you’ve used the last drop to fill your mug, start a new brew. Sure it takes a few minutes, but not as long as having to make new coffee every time you head to the kitchen, because the rest of your office follows your no-coffee-making lead.

Eleven:
"Smacking" your gum. It’s distracting, and some people — particularly older men and women (who tend to be in management positions due to their tenure) may even find it disgusting. Switch to mints; they’re more attractive and not as noisy.

Twelve:
Tapping your pen. Again, distracting. Save the musical ambitions for your weekends in the garage.

Thirteen:
Exhaling Coffee breath. Nothing ends a conversation faster than a colleague who’s trying to escape the wrath of Starbucks®. Either keep a toothbrush at your desk or pop in a breath mint after your morning fix. Same thing goes for smoker’s breath.

Fourteen:
Having personal arguments over the phone. As much as we’d like to think that our phone conversations are private, they’re not – especially in cubicle settings. One SharpMan Team writer recalls having to listened to a coworker chew out his ex-fiancé because she was marrying a new guy — and he wondered why she didn’t find him irresistible? Our writer then had to hear the entire story four more times when the coworker called every buddy he had in order to recount the story.

Fifteen:
Consistently deleting coworkers’ print jobs so that your pages get printed first.

Sixteen:
Breaking the personal space barrier; for example, stepping a little too close to coworkers during a conversation. Here’s an easy rule: if you can feel their breath, you’re standing too close. If they seem to be wincing as you speak, you’re standing too close. If they seem at all uncomfortable during an exchange, you’re standing too close. Take a step back — they can still hear you.

Seventeen:
Choosing a "neat" cell phone ring. In offices where cell phone rings are tolerated (but see Number Three), cell phone ring tones that deviate from the normal rang of "phone" tones can be annoying. Why? After the 15th rendition of "Take me Out to the Ballgame" your colleagues will begin gathering, mob-style, to chuck your little neon Nokia right out the window. Again, think vibrate option, or stick to the more conventional ring tones.

Eighteen:
Clipping fingernails while at your desk, or using a pocketknife to clean underneath nails. It’s gross. Especially when a piece if nail flies over the cube barrier and lands on your coworker’s keyboard. Eeeeeew.

Nineteen:
Picking at your ears while at your desk — or any other orifice. Ears, noses, bellybuttons and anything else that should be done in the privacy of your own bathroom should be done in the privacy of your own bathroom. Sticking your finger in their ear, cleaning out your ear canal, then looking at it and wiping it on the shirt while at your cubicle is not acceptable.

Twenty:
Swearing at the computer. Unless you happen to work in the entertainment industry, swearing in the office is bound to look unprofessional. Even if your boss does it. Hysterical expletives just don’t inspire confidence and are often associated with the opposite of a SharpMan who can handle the rigors of management. Enough said.

The Next Step

No doubt you can peg someone at your office with one or many of these traits. The key is avoiding being labeled yourself. Should any of these highly annoying work habits hit too close to home, it’s time to reevaluate your work etiquette.

For a week, keep tabs on your behavior, and if one of these ugly deeds does pop up, step back, stop what you’re doing and remember that it’s better to be in on the office joke than the butt of it.

[blahblah]

We have tolerated it so far.Is there more to come???????

After all,we are all 'angels and demons' at the same time!

[a.ratchasi]

Why the Biggest Jerks Get Ahead on the Job
By Jeffrey Zaslow
From The Wall Street Journal Online

Are you sometimes a conniving weasel at work? Do you notice yourself stepping on other people's fingers as you scamper up the corporate ladder? Have you rudely ignored colleagues who can't help you advance?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you probably aren't the biggest jerk in your office.

That's because the really big jerks almost never acknowledge their devious behavior. In many ways, that's the secret to their success.
"Jerks are just normal folks carried to extremes," says Gloria Elliott, an organizational development consultant in Roanoke, Va. Having helped over 100 companies deal with obnoxious employees through her "Jerk Training" seminars, she sees a pattern: "I've never met a chronically difficult person who owns up to his actions."

So while the rest of us question our motives and behavior -- and try to resist our most ruthless impulses -- the really big jerks just keep plowing through the workplace, single-mindedly focused on furthering their own careers. To understand why a lot of them rise higher than the rest of us, you've got to understand their mind-sets.

They tend to be narcissistic, arrogant, manipulative and goal-oriented. They trust no one and refuse to collaborate. They lack a capacity for empathy but are skilled at politics. Though they purposely disregard how they're coming off to colleagues or subordinates, they're often very good at sweet-talking bosses, who remain oblivious to their dastardly ways. The result: Good people get fed up and leave companies, while jerks get promoted.

"I have seen entire departments wiped out, and the only ones left standing are the boss and his jerk," says John Hoover, an organizational leadership consultant whose new book is titled "How to Work for an Idiot."

Successful jerks make the most of what they've got. If they're tall, they use their height to intimidate you. If they're good-looking, they seduce the boss in ways that remind him that you're less attractive. If nepotism makes them untouchable in their jerkiness, they make sure their daddies are aware of your jerky tendencies.

I met my first workplace jerk during college in the late 1970s, when I was a hot-dog vendor in the stands at Philadelphia Phillies games. Invariably, the most successful vendor each night was a surly, sweaty, scowling middle-aged man I'll call Mr. Jerk. Though every vendor hated him, his jerkiness made him the top dog in terms of sales.

He knew where the money was -- out in the stands of Veterans Stadium. So each time he walked to the commissary to fill his empty kettle with hot dogs, he had no patience for the crowds of fans in the ballpark's hallways. While the rest of us vendors politely said "excuse me" as we inched our way through the shuffling mobs, Mr. Jerk would bark at people, "Watch it! Don't get burned!"

Our bulky kettles contained 50 hot dogs in a basin of lukewarm water heated by a small sterno. The outer metal box remained cold to the touch, but fans didn't know this. So when Mr. Jerk barreled toward them with his kettle, they'd jump out of his way as if scorched by a hot iron.

Back at the commissary, as Mr. Jerk hurriedly reloaded his kettle, hot dogs would sometimes bounce to the dirty cement floor. They'd roll across the room, and he'd scoop them up and toss them into his water. He had no reservations about selling those scummy hot dogs to innocent children.

Mr. Jerk also bullied young vendors, warning us to stay out of sections along the first-base line; those belonged to him, he said, because of "seniority." Through intimidation, he'd banish us to sparsely populated sections in the outfield.

Watching him each night, I recognized his positive traits -- ambition, resourcefulness, creativity -- but realized he had succumbed to the dark side.

Ms. Elliott estimates that 10% of people in the work force are full-time jerks. The rest of us just have our moments, which we temper with self-control, self-awareness and repentance. To survive and thrive in the presence of jerks, Ms. Elliott says, you must figure out who's redeemable and who's not.

When you've decided someone is a complete and remorseless jerk, back off. They're not "normal," so normal responses -- trying to talk things out, asking them to reconsider their actions -- rarely work. Instead, says Ms. Elliott, resist taking their bait, limit your contact with them and always be on guard. "Nice is not contagious," she says. "Don't smile at these people."

If you do choose confrontation, you need a lot of co-workers backing you up. Even then, your team can't demand a "personality transplant"; just outline the work-related behavior that you and your colleagues want changed.

Mr. Hoover recommends admitting that you are "powerless" over the jerks in your life. Otherwise, "harboring all that resentment is like drinking a cup of poison and waiting for the jerk to die," he says. Make a pledge to yourself that you won't let them rattle you, even as they keep getting ahead in life.

Sometimes people will give you strong warnings that they see their jerkiness as a necessary tool. Take note. In one of Ms. Elliott's seminars, an attendee admitted: "Look, I can be nice until 9:15 a.m., and then it's every man for himself."

Likewise, Mr. Jerk, the vendor, saw the stadium work force as a dog-eat-dog environment. In his view, any hot dog I sold was a hot dog he didn't get to sell. And in some ways, his raging competitiveness was contagious.

I spent four summers lugging a hot-dog kettle through Veterans Stadium. Eventually, I confess, I adapted a few techniques from the master. I found myself shouting, "Don't get burned!" as I muscled my way through crowds. Little kids would jump out of my way. Wives would pull their husbands to safety. I was such a jerk.

Luckily, I think I'm redeemable. Why? Because I still feel kind of guilty about it.

[NM]

AR :