A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[NOV]

Heard around school......


Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ?


"pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"


"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."


write down your name and father of your name!!



"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"



"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board



"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"



Chemistry HOD comes and tells us... "My aim is to study my son
and marry my daughter"


"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the
class?!"


Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??


Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

[Querida]

[tscii]
Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want.
Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space."
Pretend you are invisible.
Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
Pretend you're listening.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Read over other people's shoulders on the bus.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat.
Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Shake with your left hand.
Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Snap your gum.
Sniffle incessantly.
Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off.
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
Tell people they have bad breath.
Tell small children that they don't look very promising.
Tell the ending of movies
Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll.
Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.
Wear a lot\of cologne.
Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense.
Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.

Is it wrong/weird/sad that I know people who do these things and at times have been guilty of committing these suggestions without even knowing its annoying...well ok, I would never admit out loud they are

[NOV]

True meaning of marriage


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

.... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.. '

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What are you are waiting for?'

She answered....
.
.
.
.
.
... the dentures.

[NOV]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you gonna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made
a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the CEO of the American Energy
Company: Enron

[NOV]

A lion was getting married.... at his wedding was a mouse shouting away...&
congratulating the lion " all the best my brother.... good luck.....".

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his
brother... another Lion grabs the mouse in anger & asks "Who the hell do you
think you are.... how can a lion be your brother.. you are only a
mouse...."

The Mouse replied.... "I was also a Lion before I got married.

[NOV]

[tscii]EXCLUSIVELY FOR ENGINEERING STUDENTS


Ques: We know that 2/10=0.2 but Prove that 2/10=2

Ans :
Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus".

But Engineering Students replied: 2=two, 10=ten.
therefore

Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.

w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.

Therefore

w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19

Therefore wo/en=38/19=2.

Hence Proved

FOR, Engineers “It doesn’t matter what is the answer. They says “Tell me what answer you want and we will get it."

[Sarna]

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS.

[jaaze]

50 Things to Do While At a McDonald's Drive-Thru

1. Say “Amen” after you say your order.

2. Order a large cheese pizza.

3. Terminate the order by saying, “Remember, we never had this conversation.” and then drive off.

4. Tell the order taker a rival fast food place is down the street and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

5. When you take your order say “surprise me!”

6. Answer their questions with questions.

7. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

8. Sing your order.

9. Spell out your order.

10. Talk about your social life.

11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

12. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

13. Change your accent every three seconds.

14. After ordering say “and once your done throw it out and do it again cuz you won’t get it right the first time!”

15. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”

16. Start your order with “I’d like… “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”

17. Ask to rent a burger.

18. Ask if there is a warrantee on your meal.

19. Order with the radio turned up at full blast.

20. Ask if you get to keep the bag. When they say “yes” start crying with happiness and call your whole family to tell them the big news.

21. Tell them to double-check to make sure your buger is, in fact, dead.

22. Imitate the order taker’s voice.

23. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

24. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”

25. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this meal.

27. Order just one fry.

28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”

29. Order two different meals and then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”

30. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

31. Take a picture of the person at the window.

32. Hand the person at the window a box of pizza and say, “that will be $7.95”

33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”

34. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

35. Start the conversation with “My order at McDonalds, Take 1, and … action!”

36. Ask if the burger is organically grown.

37. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”

38. State your order and say, “that’s as far as this relationship is going to get”.

39. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a burger.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your burger.

40. Tell them to take the first bite.

41. Teach the order taker a secret code. Take your order using that code.

42. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”

43. When you’ge given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”

44. Bargain with the price.

45. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”

46. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that burger.

47. Wear a detective suit and pass the person at the window a breifcase and then drive off.

48. Ask if the burger has had it’s shots.

49. Don’t say a word. Just stare.

50. Speak in a different language.

[NOV]

Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

*She said, 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, 'Then, you used to kiss me.

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, 'Then, you used to bite my neck.'

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

*Where are you going?' *she asked.

'To get my teeth lah!!

[jaaze]

மனைவியை அடிப்பவர்களுக்கு ஒரு வருட சிறை தண்டனை என்று அறிவித்து விடலாமா அரசே?....








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