A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[NOV]

Please tell me "WHY"


1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes

[NOV]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

[NOV]

Some humorous sign ads

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... cheap....... ....no strings attached.


Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!


Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.


When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.


My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.


Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."


Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.


Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.


Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.


The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.


A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.


Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.


Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !

[crazy]

TR

[NOV]

I wrote your name on sand it got washed away.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name in my heart & I got a heart ttack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created you.

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you

[NOV]

The IAS Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence? " He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence? "

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.


"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.



When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

[NOV]

Wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds. Although she didnt tell him in as many words, she was expecting the latest model of her dream car.

But her husband presented her with something very different.
He gave her a personal weighing scale.

Now, the husband is in a critical but stable condition in ICU. Visiting hours are between 6pm to 7pm.

[NOV]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.


2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! to kill them.


4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me


7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.


10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.


12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!


17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.


18 . Procrastinate Now!


19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?


20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.


22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.


25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.


26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.


27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.


28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.


29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[NOV]

The Glass Ceiling
(Sad, but True)

How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.

4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.

5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.

6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.

7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll prove his performance.

The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.

8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?

9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.

SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.

10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.

SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?


12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.

[crazy]