A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[NOV]

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

[NOV]

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, “I need to borrow two hundred dollars.”

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to cut in, but I can hear him perfectly.”

The father says, “Oh, good. YOU send him the money!”

[NOV]

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

[NOV]

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”

[NOV]

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A state trooper pulled it over.

“What did I do wrong, officer?” the driver asked.

“You were going 26 MPH on a major highway, there is a law against that. You must go at least 50 MPH.”

“But when I got onto the highway, the sign said 26!”

“That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”

The driver leaned back into her car seat and the cop saw another woman sitting beside her, she looked as pale as a ghost.

“What happened to her?’ the officer asked.

“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off the interstate 160.”

[NOV]

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hot Line ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

[NOV]

Man at restaurant: Excuse me waiter, could you come here?

Waiter: Is everything okay?

Man: Everything is fine, but would you please try my soup?

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir, we really can’t do that.

Man: No I won’t say anything, please try my soup.

Waiter: Well, is there something wrong with the soup?

Man: No, but will you please try the soup?!

Waiter: Okay, okay… Where’s the spoon?

Man: Ah-hah.

[NOV]

After a minor operation, the doctor turned to the patient and said, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But the doctor was speaking to you."

[NOV]

Officer: We need you in the army.

Vadivelu: I’ll join but on three conditions.

Officer: Ok. what are the conditions?

Vadivelu: My first condition is that I’ll not wear the uniform because it is hot.

Officer: Ok. What is the second condition?

Vadivelu: I’ll not do the perade and other training under the sun because it is hot. I’ll only do it under the shed or some kind of shadow cover.

Officer: Ok. What is your third condition?

Vadivelu: And my last and most important condition is that during war times, I’ll remain on leave.

[NOV]

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes around the house and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" the man asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" the guy asks.

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be ! eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

Finally, I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten bucks."

"Ten bucks?" the guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner responds, "Because he's a liar. He didn't t do any of those things."