A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

[NOV]

'Sometimes when I reflect on all the wine I have consumed, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

[NOV]

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

[NOV]

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

[NOV]

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

[NOV]

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

[NOV]

'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

[P_R]

'Sometimes when I reflect on all the wine I have consumed, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

Some WC Fields quotes...


Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I don't drink water. Fish poop in it.

I never wanted to be an actor, I wanted to be a drunk. Now I'm neither, but nobody can tell the difference.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon— and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake— which I also keep handy.

Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time."
WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."

And this one is my favourite:

What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

[sarna_blr]

.A Common message to everyone who says drinking is bad. Here are the advantages of each brand that people drink.

DCSL EXTRA SPECIAL Protects your heart, prevents constipation, Blocks diarrhea , Improves lung capacity , Cushions joints .

WHITE DIAMOND Combats cancer, Controls blood pressure ,Saves your eyesight , Shields against Alzheimer's , Slows aging process .

BLUE LABEL Aids digestion , Lowers cholesterol , Protects your heart , Stabilizes blood sugar, Guards against liver disease.

DOUBLE DISTILLED Battles diabetes , Lowers cholesterol , Helps stops strokes , Controls blood pressure , Smoothes skin .

OLD RESERVE Protects your heart , Quiets a cough , Strengthens bones ,Controls blood pressure , Blocks diarrhea .

RITZ Prevents constipation , Helps hemorrhoids , Lowers cholesterol , Combats cancer , Stabilizes blood sugar.

RICHORT Controls blood pressure , Combats cancer ,Strengthens bones , Protects your heart , Aids weight loss.

HANNEPIER Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Stabilizes blood sugar , Boosts memory , Prevents constipation.

FRANKLIN Strengthens bones , Saves eyesight , Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Controls blood pressure .

VSO Combats cancer , Prevents constipation , Promotes weight loss , Protects your heart , Helps hemorrhoids .

GALLERY Saves eyesight , Controls blood pressure , Lowers cholesterol , Combats cancer , Supports immune system .

RED RUM Saves eyesight , Protects your heart , Prevents constipation , Combats cancer , Promotes weight loss .

DARK RUM Protects against Prostate Cancer , Combats Breast Cancer , Strengthens bones , Banishes bruises , Guards against heart disease .

HANSEN Protects your heart , Combats Cancer , Ends insomnia , Slows aging process , Shields against Alzheimer's .

BLACK WHITE Promotes weight loss , Protects your heart , Lowers cholesterol , Combats Cancer , Controls blood pressure .

RED LABEL Aids digestion , Soothes sore throat , Clears sinuses , Combats Cancer , Boosts immune system .

BLACK LABEL Promotes weight loss , Helps stops strokes , Lowers cholesterol , Combats Cancer , Controls blood pressure .

GOLD LABEL Protects your heart , Boosts memory , Protects your heart , Combats Cancer , Supports immune system .

CHIVAS REGAL Aids digestion , Battles diabetes , Protects your heart , Improves mental health , Boosts immune system .

GRANTS Lowers cholesterol , Controls blood pressure , Combats cancer , kills bacteria , Fights fungus .

GREEN LABEL Protects against heart attacks , Promotes Weight loss , Helps stops strokes , Combats Prostate Cancer , Lowers cholesterol .

REMUS MARTIN saves eyesight , Conquers kidney stones ,Combats cancer , Enhances blood flow , Protects your heart .

V&A Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Helps stops strokes , Promotes Weight loss , Kills bacteria .

NAPOLEON Heals wounds , Aids digestion , Guards against ulcers , Increases energy , Fights allergies .

MENDIS Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Controls blood pressure , Smoothes skin , Stops scurvy .

LEMON GIN Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Controls blood pressure , Smoothes skin , Stops scurvy .

ORANGE GIN Combats cancer , Boosts memory , Regulates thyroid aids digestion , Shields against Alzheimer's .

WHITE GIN Controls blood pressure , Lowers cholesterol , Kills bacteria , Combats cancer , Strengthens bones .

DRY GIN Lowers cholesterol , Combats cancer , Battles diabetes , prevents constipation ,Smoothes skin .

CLASIC RUM Protects your heart , Promotes Weight loss ,Combats cancer , Battles diabetes , Smoothes skin .

VODKA Reduce risk of heart attack , Combats cancer , Kills bacteria , Lowers cholesterol , Fights fungus .

SMIRNOFF Supports immune systems , Combats cancer , Protects your heart , Straightens respiration .

GALETINE prevents constipation , Combats cancer , Helps stops strokes , aids digestion , Helps hemorrhoids .

GOLD COIN Protects against heart disease , Promotes Weight loss , Combats Prostate Cancer , Lowers cholesterol ,Aggravates
diverticulitis .

BACARDI Strengthens bones , Relieves colds , Aids digestion Dissolves warts , Blocks diarrhea .

WHITE RUM Slows aging process , prevents constipation , boosts memory , Lowers cholesterol , Protects against heart disease .

ILICITY ARACK Protects your heart , Battles diabetes , Conquers kidney stones , Combats cancer , Helps stops strokes .

POT ARRACK Combats cancer , Protects your heart .



Remember - Your Friends health is as important as yours - do not forget to call them while taking THIS !!!

[littlemaster1982]

Real 911 calls

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

[NOV]

Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist at home & devil in bed.
But what they get is an artist in kitchen, devil at home & economist in bed.